I am not Infertile enough

I didn't start seeing my RE till I was already 5 weeks pregnant. It had not been recommended that I even see an RE after my first loss, but I just didn't feel right. So I showed up for my first appointment feeling weird, like an intruder. When the nurse was doing my intake she exclaimed loudly in the hall, "She shouldn't even be here!"

Six months later, I just returned from the same office. The receptionist no longer needs me to check in. I remember on my first few visits how she knew all the women who came in, their names, their history, their cycle length. I was an outcast. I was pregnant. But then I lost it. And I started making the weekly visits. And the receptionist learned my face, my history, my cycle length.

My appointment today was an in-office hysteroscopy to take a look at my U. post-resection (I had a usterine septum, like a wall dividing my U. in two.) I sat in the waiting room feeling sick to my stomach, scared of what this appointment might reveal. Then, out of nowhere, I felt like a blanket was laid over me. I felt calmer. I breathed slow. I repeated in my head - "No matter what you find out today, you will be ok." And it was ok.

The camera slid into my murky womb, just 7 days past the start of my cycle. The site of the resection still appeared wounded, bruised. There was a rather large piece of white tissue dangling off the area. This was most likely what caused the bad ultrasound last week - the tissue was gathering clotted material around it. My RE spent some time nudging the tissue with the camera until she was able to knock it off. Not the most comfortable procedure, but glad to have it dislodged. The shape looked good. The two tunnels that used to lead to my tubes were gone and there was a wide expanse of space between. I feel hopeful.

We will be tracking my cycle this month for ovulation, progesterone levels and taking blood to test for any immunilogical issues. None of this was ever checked before because I arrived to my first appointment, like I said, 5 weeks pregnant.

So that is what I am saying. The wall is down. The standard tests are commencing. I am just waiting. Waiting to heal. Waiting for my husband to depart and return from his trip. Waiting for February, so we can begin again. I am not that infertile, I hope. I am in another kind of limbo - between the fertile and infertile worlds. Split down the middle like my uterus used to be.