I am not Infertile enough

I didn't start seeing my RE till I was already 5 weeks pregnant. It had not been recommended that I even see an RE after my first loss, but I just didn't feel right. So I showed up for my first appointment feeling weird, like an intruder. When the nurse was doing my intake she exclaimed loudly in the hall, "She shouldn't even be here!"

Six months later, I just returned from the same office. The receptionist no longer needs me to check in. I remember on my first few visits how she knew all the women who came in, their names, their history, their cycle length. I was an outcast. I was pregnant. But then I lost it. And I started making the weekly visits. And the receptionist learned my face, my history, my cycle length.

My appointment today was an in-office hysteroscopy to take a look at my U. post-resection (I had a usterine septum, like a wall dividing my U. in two.) I sat in the waiting room feeling sick to my stomach, scared of what this appointment might reveal. Then, out of nowhere, I felt like a blanket was laid over me. I felt calmer. I breathed slow. I repeated in my head - "No matter what you find out today, you will be ok." And it was ok.

The camera slid into my murky womb, just 7 days past the start of my cycle. The site of the resection still appeared wounded, bruised. There was a rather large piece of white tissue dangling off the area. This was most likely what caused the bad ultrasound last week - the tissue was gathering clotted material around it. My RE spent some time nudging the tissue with the camera until she was able to knock it off. Not the most comfortable procedure, but glad to have it dislodged. The shape looked good. The two tunnels that used to lead to my tubes were gone and there was a wide expanse of space between. I feel hopeful.

We will be tracking my cycle this month for ovulation, progesterone levels and taking blood to test for any immunilogical issues. None of this was ever checked before because I arrived to my first appointment, like I said, 5 weeks pregnant.

So that is what I am saying. The wall is down. The standard tests are commencing. I am just waiting. Waiting to heal. Waiting for my husband to depart and return from his trip. Waiting for February, so we can begin again. I am not that infertile, I hope. I am in another kind of limbo - between the fertile and infertile worlds. Split down the middle like my uterus used to be.

6 months of forgetting

Memory triggers are a bitch. I hate that I am making a movie association here, but now I know where the idea for "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" came from. I want to forget the last 6 months, so I can walk in peace to work, so I can get off the train at 8th street, so I can concentrate on something other than this living nightmare. {My 6 months is a cakewalk compared to most, but it has been a shitty ride none-the-less.}

I teach mornings downtown two days a week. I love my walks to the train in my 'hood', then from the train to school through center city. I love the calmness as I leave my house, and the bustle as I arrive. But now my daily walk is peppered with memory triggers, past places of loss-related incidents. I am unfortunately habitual, so I fear there is little chance I will ever succeed at changing my pattern as a method to relieve me of these triggers. And if I can walk another route, what if that route gets dirtied up with a whole new set of loss-related incidents?

There is one place in particular that snags me every time, pulling me into my own shitty reality. It is a weird little corporate mini-park right across from where a skyscraper is being constructed. It is paved with rust colored stone and always uber-sanitized. At the end of the summer, or maybe it was just a fall day that was too hot, I talked on the phone with my pregnant friend L. there for hours. I tried over, and over and over to explain to her what I was going through. I hindsight, I have terrible feelings of resentment for what she said to me that day. It was an immensely complicated situation that caused the rift. She was unwilling to back away from her position, even though she knew her actions were causing J. and I great pain. In the end, she not only was incapable of understanding why I was in pain, but chose to reveal our very private situation to a colleague who I am have considerable dislike for.

So while I never cared for that place much to begin with, now it serves as a near daily trigger-- pulling back into my persistent and unrelenting pain.

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AF came one day late and flowed like a bitch. Everything has calmed down a bit, with the exception of the fact that my period is single-handedly destroying the environment! I have been wearing pads (gack!) just to make sure there is nothing preventing the exodus of that (hopefully) nasty clot. Where is my hut when I need it?

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Last night, over a beer, I asked J. if he wanted to "try" this month if we got the green light from the RE. He said, "Can I think about it?" I am guessing he is not ready. And that is ok. I need to learn patience.
I am signed up for am in office hysteroscopy on Tuesday to see see the results on my surgery... Headache, begin now.