23+4 and Holding Strong?

I am, well, baffled. This week last time around is when the shit hit the fan. I went into preterm labor and my cervical length began its great descend to nothingness. So when I arrived at my appointment yesterday I was pretty nervous.

I was hoping for my favorite U/S tech, but decided I would be happy with anyone other than the one I had last week. I got a woman I never met before. She was super confident, super fast and super efficient. I watched images of the girl flash on the screen. Head, body, kidney blood flow (yeah, looks like she has 2:) She is weighing in at 1lb 10 ounces already. Nice. Then onto the old cerv.

I watched the first measurement come up. I was expecting a number to toss me in the "scary yet still gray area" because that is how I roll. The numbers pop up in the lower right of the screen and I can't even always see the whole thing. But wouldn't you know: 3.9. What? I am holding strong? What? Me? I am totally baffled at this point. After the tech left the room, I balled. Relief, and continued fear.

I did start feeling an uptick in contractions this week, but nothing alarming. I guess the progesterone really is doing the trick. And this week will begin to tell us what happened last time around. I am starting to think the it was the PTL all along that started the ball rolling, not IC. Only time will tell.

But I can not ignore the pessimist in me who thinks: well, my dates could be off. Next week could be the bad week. And I don't have an U/S for 2 weeks, though I do see my OB next week. I forgot what this living week to week thing was like. Hoping to just make it one more. I remember thinking: if I can just get to 28 weeks, if I can just get to 30 weeks, if I can just get to 32 weeks-- then I'll feel ok, safe. But you never do till you get within a few weeks of term, do you?

22+2 with 2/10 cm loss

So my cervix went from 3.9 to 3.7. The u/s tech seemed a little lost. I watched her try to measure my length over and over. She didn't really seem to know what she was doing. So I am chalking up the very minor dip to her shaky hand.

I see my OB on friday for a spec and manual check. Then back for another u/s next friday at 23+4. The very same gestational where my cervix bailed last time. Could be interesting!

I am doing a terrible job of documenting my pregnancy. With D. I took pictures all the time. Here is the first one I took so far!

Love! Joy!

Little Boy Hank arrived yesterday. The son of one of my most favored blogger and real world friends. Go say a HUGE and much awaited congrats to G$ at Makes You Stronger! She will be one of the most glorious Mama's ever!

Not much to report from me. We just arrived home from a week at the beach. My garden is a disaster. Seems my tomatoes have contracted a fatal in incurable fungus. I am a gardening failure. My ego, as it pertains to keeping things alive, didn't really need a blow at this very moment. Whatever.

I have an U/S to check on my cervix and stitch tomorrow. I am just about 22 weeks, so I am anticipating there could be a little change this week, but hoping not. I have been having occasional very slight spotting. Really, just barely a bit of pink. I'll mention it to my Peri. I have also had a little spotting following exams (speculum and trans-vag u/s.) But I suppose that is pretty normal.

1 day short of half way

We make it to 20 weeks tomorrow: the famed and somewhat dreaded midway mark. It is from now till 28 weeks that I find the most terrifying. It is the window of cervical misbehaving. For now, I am holding strong at 3.9cm. But last time around it dropped at 23 weeks, and it went fast. I just keep telling myself... that is what the stitch is for...

DH gave me the P17 shot for the first time this week. I am on my third week of it and it seems to be doing the right thing. Haven't felt any contractions yet. He did a good job with the needle. Just the smallest of bruises. I actually suspect he really likes doing it.

We head to the beach for a week on Saturday, which is both exciting and scary. I love the sea, but being 2 hours from my OB and Peri will certainly cause me some stress. I saw the peri 4 days ago and see my OB tomorrow. So really, it will be less than a 2 week interval, but the longest I have gone without a check the entire pregnancy.

Been a tough week at home. The boy has been really sick. It started with hives all over his face and limbs on Wednesday. By Saturday morning it was a runny poo fest. Poor thing. His bedsheets have been changed more this week than in a lifetime. I still feel like I am up to my elbows in sh*t. Parenting is gross. But I think he is turning a corner. He is lethargic with a low grade fever today. I think the illness is finally breaking. I hope.

All's well on the cervical front...

The past few weeks have been, well, full. We sold our house. Our mortgage for the new house collapsed. The mortgage was revived from the dead. We closed and went straight to the airport to send DH off to Europe for work for nearly two weeks.

In his absence the boy got sick, so I was pretty home bound. And with the cerclage and previa I am not allowed to lift. So unpacking has been impossible.

Then my laptop died. Ugh. Then it got fixed! For free!

Finally I had a peri/OB combo day yesterday with lots of excitement. First, my length is holding out great. In the 3.9 range. Then I found out that the Previa had already clear the cervix by 3 cm! That is one fast moving placenta! THEN, I found our we are having a girl! Holy Sh*t! I thought for sure I was going to remain a woman surrounded by boys! But I was proved so wrong! No boy parts in there. Finally, I ran over to the OB's office and got my first 17P injection. For those of you who don't know, 17P is a shot of progesterone given weekly to "calm" an irritable uterus-- of which I have one:) The shot goes deep into the muscle and the fluid its thick-- so it takes a while to go in. My husband has to learn how to give it to me, but I am not so sure about all that. I'll be on it from 17-36 week.

All is good here. I still feel like I am just waiting for the shit to hit the fan-- but trying to enjoy life on my feet. Hope all is well for all of you out in blogland.

Previa

It wouldn't be me if my body did not decide to throw something else into the mix. I went in for my 15 week u/s cervical cerclage check and found out I have a placenta previa. I have had about a million ultrasounds, so when the tech pointed it out, it was clear to me that only a small portion of the placenta is touching the cervix. So I feel hopeful that it will resolve itself. That said, if it doesn't migrate and my cervix starts to funnel, I am expecting a lot of drama... and blood.

I am handling it pretty well. Probably because it is still early and it looks pretty marginal. We'll see.

Cervix and stitch look fine. 3.4 cm and holding.

Cercalge + Recovery

So the whole procedure was, well, weird. General anesthesia is a no-no in pregnancy, so when you have a cerclage placed you are fully aware and awake. I find operating rooms strange, and have been in many. They are cold, sterile places, as they should be. But they always seem so strangely large as well, which makes you feel even more vulnerable.

I was given a spinal, which was easy. The OR nurses were awesome, supporting and caring. I felt well taken care of. My legs started to get heavy and I was laid back on the table. I was covered in a blow up, heater blanket to keep warm. I was strapped down to the table at the hips and my legs were lifted into the hanging stirrups and draped. The table was tilted back, so my head was lower than my hips. Bright lights were illuminated and my OB went to work.

I had thankfully thought to ask if I was allowed to listen to my (eye)-pod. So as soon as the procedure began I cranked my music and closed my eyes. The whole thing was just too surreal to be present for it. I felt some tugging, pressing and pulling, but no pain. And it was done in a flash. I think I listened to less than 2 songs.

It took a long time for my feeling to come back in my legs. I spent hours in recovery gorging on crackers and juice. I was starved. About 5pm I finally made it to the bathroom and peed - which ok'ed my discharge. I was bleeding, though not bad.

I spotted on and off for the next 24 hours and had some pretty severe cramping for the 12 hours following the placement. What I did not expect was to get the dreaded spinal headache about 36 hours after anesthesia. I actually think mine was not as bad as it could have been. But the worst part was that I felt ok laying down, and felt like hell if I stood or sat up. So while I tried my best to not be confined to bed, it was really my only option for the following 3 days. What a drag. Upside? I did not change a diaper for 4 days! It was glorious!

A week following the cerlage placement I had a follow up with the Peri's and then my OB. The stitch looks great and my cervix is long and firm - though I wouldn't expect anything different at 13 weeks. I will be seeing the Peri's every other week and my Ob every other week - so an appointment every week. I feel good about the monitoring. My OB, in particular, is feeling really optimistic for me not seeing too much bedrest-- but I think he's nuts. Only time will tell.

Coming out...

I am 12 weeks pregnant. But I know my good fortune can be a bitter pill for others. So I waited and waited, not quite knowing what to say, how to say it. An unimaginable number of my real world friends are in the TTC cue, and I know how much it hurts to hear someone cut in front of you. So while, of course we are happy, we've pretty much kept it to ourselves.

It also wouldn't be me if there was not drama. I had a lot of bleeding early on. Once that subsided I enjoyed a long stretch of non-barfing nausea. But superior to last time around where I wretched for weeks on end.

I had my cerclage placed 2 days ago. Bleeding and cramping has subsided, but I am just now getting a headache, I think from the spinal. Hopeful I am back to normal and up and about by tomorrow.

Chances are high I have a long stretch of bedrest in my future, complicated by a frisky toddler and a husband who will be spending a large part of the summer and fall in Europe. So me and the little dude will camp out with various family members and beg for their help and patience.

I don't know if anyone even comes here to read anymore. Nor can I predict how much I will be writing. But I like the idea of sharing my experience again -- especially since my IC is known and will be treated with a cerclage and P17 shots this time around. If my experience can be a resource for anyone with similar issues - then that something...

Children vs time.

I was on the train and there was this spunky 5 year old who got on with her father. She had a lot of words and sat down in the handy-cap spot next to the call button. She enthusiastically asked he father questions about the button, what it did, what was written above it and why it was there. She was so lovely. He fathers response each time was sharp, bitter, snapping and mean. More often than not, he just told her to shut up. But in her wisdom, or oblivion, she continued to drown him with her inquisitiveness. Her relentlessness and resilience was both endearing and hopeful. I not sure she can keep it up till she can get away from her asshole of a father, but I hope so.

But she caught my eye because I have been thinking a lot about kids, who they become, how they change and how those changes challenge parents. When I think back to my life with D. as an infant, there were certainly "hard" parts. Sleep was challenging, and nursing, while lovely, was time consuming. Now that sleeping has recovered, and nursing is less frequent, I should have more time right? Nope. Now D-man is so mobile he takes a lot more monitoring. I think there is a curve, in a diagramatic sense, that is the relationship of the child's age to the mother's productivity. Not to say domestic labor is somehow unproductive - but I mean labor as in the money making, free-lancing, non domestic kind. I thought I would be at the "gets more done" stage when D. reached a year, but in fact I think it is still getting harder...

I am also starting to have some stress about having another - or trying to. DH has a big project going on that is taking him to a different continent about ever other month. And since bedrest and toddlers don't really jive, our original plan to TTC in March has now shifted to August. If I were your average pregnant person, with average lady parts, this would not be a biggie. But after losses, a septum resection, issues in each trimester, incompetent cervix and months in bed... well, let's just say I am a little freaked. I keep wondering if the septum is really gone? I know that is nuts. But I really want to go in for my annual and ask my OB to do a quick U/S. I just want to make sure nothing is there.

And I am also pushing 35. After you have been burned my the miscarriage bug, you take nothing for granted. The older I get, the more risk. I am not stupid enough to think, "that would never happen to me." It could. And if we wait, and I get pregnant and carry to term, I'll be delivering around my 36 birthday. Ugh.

The other part is, I hate to say this, but we would love a big family. Like, at least 3. That alone would dictate a rapid fire schedule. Uuuuhhhh. Who knows what to do. It is a mess really. So I guess we'll just wait. Despite the fact that I'd rather not. We'll wait. We'll wait. And I'll just keep telling myself that everything will be ok.

Rarely writing, but I finally had a few things to say

It has been a wild week. There were countless, significant milestones I needed to mark... Here are just a few.

1.G from Makes you stronger stunned me, and herself and the rest of the blog-o-sphere with a viable, beating little bean at this weeks scan. Holy shit. Un-fucking-believable story. If I could have one single wish this year, it is for G to get her ass knocked up... and stay that way. At least for 9 months:)
2. The little D-man turned 1! Knock my fat ass over with a feather, has a year gone by already? I miss my little lump of mush, but also love watching him grow into a little person.
3. The boy said "Mama!" Two days after his birthday he started consistently saying it. Melt-worthy.
4. I did my first, paid workshop as part of our new start up (me and 5 friends.) Feels awesome to make some money outside of the academic crap-hole I have been sucked into.

Well, I have procrastinated long enough. I have a pound cake in the shape of a choo-choo-train to make and ice. The official birthday party is tomorrow.