Friday, December 11, 2009

Children vs time.

I was on the train and there was this spunky 5 year old who got on with her father. She had a lot of words and sat down in the handy-cap spot next to the call button. She enthusiastically asked he father questions about the button, what it did, what was written above it and why it was there. She was so lovely. He fathers response each time was sharp, bitter, snapping and mean. More often than not, he just told her to shut up. But in her wisdom, or oblivion, she continued to drown him with her inquisitiveness. Her relentlessness and resilience was both endearing and hopeful. I not sure she can keep it up till she can get away from her asshole of a father, but I hope so.

But she caught my eye because I have been thinking a lot about kids, who they become, how they change and how those changes challenge parents. When I think back to my life with D. as an infant, there were certainly "hard" parts. Sleep was challenging, and nursing, while lovely, was time consuming. Now that sleeping has recovered, and nursing is less frequent, I should have more time right? Nope. Now D-man is so mobile he takes a lot more monitoring. I think there is a curve, in a diagramatic sense, that is the relationship of the child's age to the mother's productivity. Not to say domestic labor is somehow unproductive - but I mean labor as in the money making, free-lancing, non domestic kind. I thought I would be at the "gets more done" stage when D. reached a year, but in fact I think it is still getting harder...

I am also starting to have some stress about having another - or trying to. DH has a big project going on that is taking him to a different continent about ever other month. And since bedrest and toddlers don't really jive, our original plan to TTC in March has now shifted to August. If I were your average pregnant person, with average lady parts, this would not be a biggie. But after losses, a septum resection, issues in each trimester, incompetent cervix and months in bed... well, let's just say I am a little freaked. I keep wondering if the septum is really gone? I know that is nuts. But I really want to go in for my annual and ask my OB to do a quick U/S. I just want to make sure nothing is there.

And I am also pushing 35. After you have been burned my the miscarriage bug, you take nothing for granted. The older I get, the more risk. I am not stupid enough to think, "that would never happen to me." It could. And if we wait, and I get pregnant and carry to term, I'll be delivering around my 36 birthday. Ugh.

The other part is, I hate to say this, but we would love a big family. Like, at least 3. That alone would dictate a rapid fire schedule. Uuuuhhhh. Who knows what to do. It is a mess really. So I guess we'll just wait. Despite the fact that I'd rather not. We'll wait. We'll wait. And I'll just keep telling myself that everything will be ok.


May said...

Oh, I am familiar with these plans. I got the itch to try for #2 right after Dee's first birthday. My husband, not so much. We compromised on waiting a few extra months, and even with another miscarriage in there my two are 28 months apart, which is an age gap I'm very happy with. So of course ever since Buddy got past 18 months old I've had voices in my head thinking of a #3, which of course cannot happen after the disaster that was Buddy's delivery.

We also got around the bedrest concerns by asking my mom, even before we started trying for #2, if she would move in for a few months to take care of Dee if I wound up on bedrest again. Which she ended up doing postpartum while I was getting dialysis, etc. Good times.

Best of luck to you as you wander through these issues. I say go for it whenever you're ready and deal with the consequences as they come. And you'll never get that productivity back. Dee's four and I'm still waiting. Maybe when they're both in elementary school?

jenn said...

Man- as if family building weren't hard enough without having the pressures of IF/ute problems/bedrest & risk pregnancies - then you go & through timing into the mix! I hope it all works out soon for you & you get your ideal family!

Oh- and the guy on the train pisses me off- not that I know him (duh.) but that attitude of parenting. Yes- kids are wearing & exhausting sometimes, but to be constantly annoyed by them feels like salt in a wound to me- even after pumpkin.

Mel said...

Thanks for your post, my dear. I always look forward to reading your insights on parenting...and having another buddy in the land of MA's is so refreshing! :)

I appreciate this post so much...I've been dealing with some of the same "what if's" the past month or so. Waiting just plain bites...and I admire your strength to proceed as you are.

I left my full-time job at the very end of October, and my major concern was not losing the salary, but rather WHAT INSURANCE PROVIDER IS GOING TO WANT TO COVER MY BROKEN SELF when I want to have another baby?! That seems so wrong, doesn't it?!

Thinking of you and the little guy...*hugs*

Jenae Freed said...

I had to re-read your post because it is nice to know that i'm not the only one going through these trials. We always thought that we would have a big family too. but 7 years on the difficult baby-making train has seriously worn me down. we just spent the last 6 months trying to conceive again with no success. So after overcoming the miscarriage issue after 4, now I can't get pregnant!?! give me a break!! So for the time being, I am coming to terms with our family only being three for the foreseeable future. I can't spend everyday checking my ovulation, dealing with the side affects of progesterone, and just plain wondering if I will get my period again this month. I am worn down.
I know that this is not an uplifting response to your lovely post, but it is my current experience.
For some reason I had this idea that having #2 would be a breeze. After all getting pregnant was never my problem.
So who knows what the next few years will bring. For right now, I will enjoy a glass of wine and my beautiful boy - who by the way just said to me "Mommy guess what? Quilly butt!! HAHAHAHA!"
much love and luck to you and jeremy