Monday, March 31, 2008

Blood draw #2 tomorrow

Having a hard time doing the math.
My first draw was Thursday. HCG was 85 on 12/13 dpo
Levels double every 48-72 hours.
Draw 2 is tomorrow, Tuesday. 17/18 dpo
5 days or 120 hours.

My bad math skills say 340-510 would be good.
But I am really bad at math.

No more spotting to report. A plus.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

The ghost of pregnancies past

The spotting subsided and I am am doing my very best to stay calm. After repeated pregnancy burns, it is pretty hard to stay sane. Frequent trips to the bathroom to check for blood and the analysis of nearly every twitch and twinge are apparently just going to be part of the process for me.

I am 4 weeks today.
The next blood draw is Tuesday.
My first ultrasound if next Tuesday.
And the following ultrasound, on a date yet to be determined, is the one I am already dreading: Heartbeat day.

This morning I am allowing myself to indulge in just a smidge of pregnancy research. Basically, what is happening to the cells at 4 week. Not the baby, the cells. We're keeping things clinical here. I did not proceed to forecast the growth of weeks 5 and 6. Just week 4. Where I am right now.

There will be no projecting far into the future. No plans about whether I will be able to teach in the fall semester. No altering of summer road trips. Until I see that heartbeat, I am only somewhat pregnant.

After I indulged in some 4 week educational material, I went to go enter in my temp on FF. I noticed the "pregnancy tracker" over on the left and thought I would take a quick gander. I click on the page and it reads: "You are 38 weeks and 5 days. Your baby probably weighs over 7 pounds and you are surely feeling large and uncomfortable."

Bummer. This is from the last pregnancy that I lost. They seem to track me, follow me, where ever I go. I see them on the sites I visit and on the bellies of my friends who conceived at nearly the same time. I did not need this reminder this morning, seriously.

Even with a morning of sad reminders and the deja vu of pregnancies past - I have just a seed of hope that the Ute will do something she has never done before: Behave.

And to you little embryo.... I hate to humanize you at such an early state, but know that me and J. would really like it if you would hang out for a while. Nestle in, take a nap, have a snack, double yourself, make the place feel like your own. And if you need anything, just ask. We are here for you.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Numbers plus spotting

Progesterone 42.5
HCG 85
12-13 dpo
EDIT: THIS WAS PROBABLY MORE LIKE 12-13 DPO. (I keep forgetting the blood was drawn thursday)

RE said not to worry about spotting. Oh, ok. Thanks....

Spotting already? Really?

For pete's sake. It was just a "soft" announcement.

I started spotting about 10 minutes ago. Red, not brown. Could mean something. Could mean nothing. Either way, it is weird. My period is not even due for another 3 days? Huh?

Damn those early pregnancy tests.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

+ soft announcement

I got a positive 2 days ago. Very, very light line - but getting darker everyday. I have been hesitant to say anything. For those of you that know my history, I don't usually have much trouble getting to this point. It is the following few weeks that pose the real problem. I have havd 2 early losses. The first was gone prior to ever seeing a doctor. The second was a missed m/c with no heartbeat at 7 weeks. So I am in the woods, perhaps for quite some time...

Having a blood draw today. My RE assumed I was taking the progesterone. I haven't been. I feel good about that choice, especially when I wake up in the morning with what I can only describe as the "rushes." Usually at about 6:30 am I wake and get these tingling rushes that move through my body. I got it when I was on the progesterone last month too, and remember this in my other pregnancies. I don't know what is is, but it is a familiar sensation and I feel relieved when I have it.

But then again, nothing means nothing. I am not considering myself officially on my way till I see a heartbeat. That is the milestone for me.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Nothing means anything.

Nothing means anything: I am borrowing this mantra from scarredbellybutton because right now is when my wig out begins. I am up at the crack of dawn on account of a colleague not coming through with some work late last night. And it is at this crack of dawn that my temp bounced up again and the dip-stick read negative. I am 10 dpo. Probably to early to tell, but it is the day I always freak. And of course, it is Monday. Ugh.

How does this happen? Are all of these little twinges Psychosimatic? I guess I am one crazy bat, cuz I can definitely start to make something out of nothing.

I am scared to death that something happened when I had surgery. I am scared that I will be stuck in this dilemma: get pregnant easily with malformed Ute, loose baby - not be able to get pregnant with remodeled Ute, no baby. Getting pregnant was never hard for me before the surgery - why? I know it has only been 2 months of trying again - but I always got pregnant in two months before. Little twinges or statistics - I am always trying to dissect something. You think having experience the burn of when a plan goes to sh*t would have sunk in by now. Somehow, I still get trapped into thinking I can ride the ttc train hard and it will just work. I hope I rode it hard enough this month, but it is still a crap-shoot in the end.

The next few days are going to suck. I hate this shit. I just hate it. Topping the cake was the revelation I had in the shower: this month is the one year of trying mark. So I guess I can officially call myself part of the club.

Thanks for checking in on me scarredbellybutton, freyja, Jen, Sara and Meg - knowing there is someone out there who's got my back shaves off just a little bit of my crazy. Thinking about all of you.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Bring on the crazy.

So this is when I start to loose my sh*t. I am 9 dpo (days past ovulation.) I am dodging potential signals left and right. One reads up, the next down. I am going to test tomorrow morning with a cheapo internet stick at 10dpo - pretty much knowing it will be negative on account of the early testing and the cheap test.

DH is suddenly more engaged. We were walking to the train together a few days ago an he says, "When we we know if our experiment work?" I told him he'd have to wait till next week on account of the fact that I stocked on cheap internet dip-sticks instead of the primo pee-sticks. Then today at brunch he says, "Do you think you need to go buy some of the good sticks?" He is so sweet. This is really the first time he is really paying attention. I love it - although the pressure to perform is on, for sure. So I am debating a trip to the store to get a first response 3-pack. They have always worked best for me.

So here are the signs. Some point to possible BFP, so to a f*cked up cycle??
  1. 6dpo - cramping. Could this be an implantation date? Who knows.
  2. High temps - awesome, yeah!
  3. Low temps - Boooooooo! My chart looks like a zig-zag. Though I have not dropped below my coverline.
  4. Boob twinges. Not soreness, but lightning, sharp, zips of pain traveling from center to nipple. I get breast tenderness with PMS, but usually a dull, overall kind of pain.
  5. Zit uptick. I always have bad skin, but it was clearing up after that nasty progesterone, then reverted. Only the blemishes are not in their usual locations. Chin mostly.

So the saga continues. We tried so freaking hard this month. I am getting back to my wheat-free, dairy-free diet. I am being good about taking my herbs. I am all vitamined up. I am off coffee and the drink. I am playing by the rules.

Just hoping we know by thursday because I have an old friend coming into town who I would love to share a bottle of wine with if the cycle bombs.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

And we begin again.

So the whole family is on board this month. I guess, in a way, this is our first official month of trying again. Last month was a total wash out, with DH bailing at the last minute. We made an attempt, but a lame one. This month we are going full-on, full-force. I am using multiple tactics to corner the Ute into submission. I got temps, I got OPK's, I got pre-seed, I got an acupuncturist doing her c00ter-voodoo on me, and I got a willing partner. Seriously, I am leaving no stone unturned.

It is day 17. I had a positive OPK and a temp rise yesterday. And we've been going at it like rabbits. Well, very systematic rabbits, let's say. So there it is. The glaring reality of my IF limbo status. I admit it. It is true. I have been known to conceive naturally. In fact, conception has never really been an issue (knock on wood). The issue has always been the Ute and her inability to follow through. I have to say, I continue to be a bit nervous. Both last month and this I have had some inordinately bad cramping mid-cylce. I have always had mittelschmertz, but this is heating-pad worthy and lasts for a day or two. This is new since the surgery.

I kinda dumped my RE. But I think it is a temporary break-up. I was really unhappy on the progesterone last month. And frankly, I know there is real question if it is actually necessary. So I never called back after my cycle began and figure I'll call when(if) I get a BFP. Just tired of the constant interventions. We need to be on our own for a little bit. So instead of the nasty progesterone suppositories, I am taking a B Complex vitamin (50 mg B12 & B6 daily) to supplement the prenatal. Anybody ever have good results from this? It is supposed to help you build a good lining.

Ew. This is a really boring post. Sorry. The rollercoaster departs in a few days. After I come down of the "trying" part, there is usually a few days of calm before I start dissecting every twinge my body produces. Then we'll get to the good stuff. For now, all I got is temps, opk's and gettin busy.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Little explosions

So here begins my spring break. Although unlike my lovely students, my break has little to do with a sunny destination and binge-drinking. Instead, I have some days to catch up on my own work, work on the house and take a brief but much needed trip to an unexplored east coast city. Yeah! Road trip.

Today is the first day of our official "all week, together week." On this very important day, J. and I have already had a little explosion. Historically, we don't fight. There was this one time in an airport that we had a spat about 5 years ago. But we are both non-confrontational by nature. In the past month we have had two "fights." I can only imagine this is due to the stress of our reproductive goings-ons. We have started trying again. And I think unfortunately, we are both anticipating a somewhat painful journey.

This morning we were supposed to do some work together (we often collaborate.) Today, we were supposed to get together to talk about a project we have been invited to do that happens to be time sensitive. We need the proposal written... yesterday. I blocked out the whole morning for it as we had discussed. His morning got usurped by some freelance work so the plan shifted to the late morning/afternoon. I rearranged. Everything was fine. I even got a call from my parents who are unexpectedly coming into the city today. I declined. I had plans. I love plans. And plans are plans!

Then J.'s phone rings. It is a mutual friend who's wife is pregnant. Pregnant two weeks short of my last conception. I don't see them anymore because it is too painful - and I can not bear the thought of ever asking them to edit themselves. So I just stay away. J. proceeds to make lunch plans with him... for today!!! WTF! I shifted my plans, I turned down an outing with my folks who rarely come into town, and he makes f'in lunch plans!

In the end, I know why this happens. He makes lunch plans because he can't say no. He can't say no because he feels guilty. He feels guilty because he has to overcompensate for my absence. He fails to tell me about it, because he does not want to upset me. It is a vicious circle, and it just keeps spinning round. I don't know how to stop it. And in the end we both blame ourselves for our bad behavior. I feel like trying to have a family is starting to destroy the family I already have, and that is just stupid.

My shrink has recommended a couples session and I am starting to consider it. J. doesn't have a lot of words, particularly word about his emotions. I often interpret his lack of word as lack of feelings - which I doubt it is true. And lately, his inability to talk to me has become more and more painful. I can not help him find a way to talk about all this. I have tried, over and over and over. There is this wedge, well a splinter really, that is just starting to divide us. The thought of ever loosing him makes my stomach turn into a knot. So it is off to the shrink for us to see if she can crack the case: What is J. feeling?