Monday, March 24, 2008

Nothing means anything.

Nothing means anything: I am borrowing this mantra from scarredbellybutton because right now is when my wig out begins. I am up at the crack of dawn on account of a colleague not coming through with some work late last night. And it is at this crack of dawn that my temp bounced up again and the dip-stick read negative. I am 10 dpo. Probably to early to tell, but it is the day I always freak. And of course, it is Monday. Ugh.

How does this happen? Are all of these little twinges Psychosimatic? I guess I am one crazy bat, cuz I can definitely start to make something out of nothing.

I am scared to death that something happened when I had surgery. I am scared that I will be stuck in this dilemma: get pregnant easily with malformed Ute, loose baby - not be able to get pregnant with remodeled Ute, no baby. Getting pregnant was never hard for me before the surgery - why? I know it has only been 2 months of trying again - but I always got pregnant in two months before. Little twinges or statistics - I am always trying to dissect something. You think having experience the burn of when a plan goes to sh*t would have sunk in by now. Somehow, I still get trapped into thinking I can ride the ttc train hard and it will just work. I hope I rode it hard enough this month, but it is still a crap-shoot in the end.

The next few days are going to suck. I hate this shit. I just hate it. Topping the cake was the revelation I had in the shower: this month is the one year of trying mark. So I guess I can officially call myself part of the club.

Thanks for checking in on me scarredbellybutton, freyja, Jen, Sara and Meg - knowing there is someone out there who's got my back shaves off just a little bit of my crazy. Thinking about all of you.

5 comments:

jenn said...

sorry about the negative over here- 10 dpo is still pretty early. I get you on the psychosomatic part of this. Still no sign of af over here & I have those lighting boob pains you speak of. Everything's a sign & nothing is.

I'm also feeling you on the pressure to perform this month. my hub has been pushing me to test again, even though to me a 12 dpo test with a non cheapie is pretty final. It's heartwarming & breaking all wrapped into one.
{{hugs}}

sara said...

Hey sorry that you're feeling like it may not have worked..and sorry about becoming part of the club..I hate to see anyone have to become a "new member." But just know that all of us- especially those of us with a jacked up uterus- are always here to listen!

Freyja said...

I'm 13 DPO today, my boobs still hurt like a b!tch so this morning I did an OPK... I didn't even get a second line AT ALL. Guess that's an answer huh? I wish you better luck!

scarredbellybutton said...

You're not necessarily a crazy bitch, though that no doubt helps ;) I think that "symptoms" can certainly be real, however they don't indicate a result either way. I once posted on FF about all my symptoms one cycle, and my lovely triphasic chart. All agreed it was very promising. The only problem? I hadn't been near a single sperm that month. All symptoms do is mess with your head.

10dpo is too early. It doesn't mean anything. Heck, I didn't get a decent line until 5wks or so, because nothing means anything. Some girls don't ever get a line on a HPT, even with twins.

Symptoms don't necessarily mean a +ve. -ve HPTs don't necessarily mean a -ve. Total headfuck.

I hope it HAS worked for you this time, but if it hasn't I am sure it won't be much longer. You could still have some more healing to do maybe?

"Welcome" to the 1 year + club.

jenn said...

Thanks for your comment on my end- I usually have a 3 ww just to ovulate, then 2 weeks on top of that. The waiting sucks almost as much as the not knowing!