Monday, March 24, 2008

Nothing means anything.

Nothing means anything: I am borrowing this mantra from scarredbellybutton because right now is when my wig out begins. I am up at the crack of dawn on account of a colleague not coming through with some work late last night. And it is at this crack of dawn that my temp bounced up again and the dip-stick read negative. I am 10 dpo. Probably to early to tell, but it is the day I always freak. And of course, it is Monday. Ugh.

How does this happen? Are all of these little twinges Psychosimatic? I guess I am one crazy bat, cuz I can definitely start to make something out of nothing.

I am scared to death that something happened when I had surgery. I am scared that I will be stuck in this dilemma: get pregnant easily with malformed Ute, loose baby - not be able to get pregnant with remodeled Ute, no baby. Getting pregnant was never hard for me before the surgery - why? I know it has only been 2 months of trying again - but I always got pregnant in two months before. Little twinges or statistics - I am always trying to dissect something. You think having experience the burn of when a plan goes to sh*t would have sunk in by now. Somehow, I still get trapped into thinking I can ride the ttc train hard and it will just work. I hope I rode it hard enough this month, but it is still a crap-shoot in the end.

The next few days are going to suck. I hate this shit. I just hate it. Topping the cake was the revelation I had in the shower: this month is the one year of trying mark. So I guess I can officially call myself part of the club.

Thanks for checking in on me scarredbellybutton, freyja, Jen, Sara and Meg - knowing there is someone out there who's got my back shaves off just a little bit of my crazy. Thinking about all of you.


jenn said...

sorry about the negative over here- 10 dpo is still pretty early. I get you on the psychosomatic part of this. Still no sign of af over here & I have those lighting boob pains you speak of. Everything's a sign & nothing is.

I'm also feeling you on the pressure to perform this month. my hub has been pushing me to test again, even though to me a 12 dpo test with a non cheapie is pretty final. It's heartwarming & breaking all wrapped into one.

sara said...

Hey sorry that you're feeling like it may not have worked..and sorry about becoming part of the club..I hate to see anyone have to become a "new member." But just know that all of us- especially those of us with a jacked up uterus- are always here to listen!

Freyja said...

I'm 13 DPO today, my boobs still hurt like a b!tch so this morning I did an OPK... I didn't even get a second line AT ALL. Guess that's an answer huh? I wish you better luck!

Anonymous said...

You're not necessarily a crazy bitch, though that no doubt helps ;) I think that "symptoms" can certainly be real, however they don't indicate a result either way. I once posted on FF about all my symptoms one cycle, and my lovely triphasic chart. All agreed it was very promising. The only problem? I hadn't been near a single sperm that month. All symptoms do is mess with your head.

10dpo is too early. It doesn't mean anything. Heck, I didn't get a decent line until 5wks or so, because nothing means anything. Some girls don't ever get a line on a HPT, even with twins.

Symptoms don't necessarily mean a +ve. -ve HPTs don't necessarily mean a -ve. Total headfuck.

I hope it HAS worked for you this time, but if it hasn't I am sure it won't be much longer. You could still have some more healing to do maybe?

"Welcome" to the 1 year + club.

jenn said...

Thanks for your comment on my end- I usually have a 3 ww just to ovulate, then 2 weeks on top of that. The waiting sucks almost as much as the not knowing!