Sunday, March 30, 2008

The ghost of pregnancies past

The spotting subsided and I am am doing my very best to stay calm. After repeated pregnancy burns, it is pretty hard to stay sane. Frequent trips to the bathroom to check for blood and the analysis of nearly every twitch and twinge are apparently just going to be part of the process for me.

I am 4 weeks today.
The next blood draw is Tuesday.
My first ultrasound if next Tuesday.
And the following ultrasound, on a date yet to be determined, is the one I am already dreading: Heartbeat day.

This morning I am allowing myself to indulge in just a smidge of pregnancy research. Basically, what is happening to the cells at 4 week. Not the baby, the cells. We're keeping things clinical here. I did not proceed to forecast the growth of weeks 5 and 6. Just week 4. Where I am right now.

There will be no projecting far into the future. No plans about whether I will be able to teach in the fall semester. No altering of summer road trips. Until I see that heartbeat, I am only somewhat pregnant.

After I indulged in some 4 week educational material, I went to go enter in my temp on FF. I noticed the "pregnancy tracker" over on the left and thought I would take a quick gander. I click on the page and it reads: "You are 38 weeks and 5 days. Your baby probably weighs over 7 pounds and you are surely feeling large and uncomfortable."

Bummer. This is from the last pregnancy that I lost. They seem to track me, follow me, where ever I go. I see them on the sites I visit and on the bellies of my friends who conceived at nearly the same time. I did not need this reminder this morning, seriously.

Even with a morning of sad reminders and the deja vu of pregnancies past - I have just a seed of hope that the Ute will do something she has never done before: Behave.

And to you little embryo.... I hate to humanize you at such an early state, but know that me and J. would really like it if you would hang out for a while. Nestle in, take a nap, have a snack, double yourself, make the place feel like your own. And if you need anything, just ask. We are here for you.


sara said...

When you started talking to the embryo at the end I got a few little tears. I must still be hormonal :-)

It must be so hard to have this potential happiness in front of you but have to be guarded due to what has happened in the past. I can't even imagine. I hope that this turns out so differently for you, you certainly deserve a happy ending :-)

jenn said...

I'm so sorry you had that reminder this morning- as if it weren't hard enough to not obsess & compare this time to previous ones. I think that a little hope is certainly appropriate now that the Ute has been fixed up & remodeled!

Freyja said...

Hopefully that shiney new uterus will work out for you!

Meg said...

Ah, the lovely symptom we have gained in our pregnancies. checking our undies compulsively.

I love your outlook right now. You are hopeful but not too hopeful. You are not forgetting to remain in the moment. I can totally get not thinking ahead.

It is protective and inspiring.

Anonymous said...

Here's to multiplying cells.

The FF tracker thing really bites. I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to wish you luck and thank you so much for your site. I've just spent the last hour or so reading it. I had a miscarriage in January after my first pregnancy. Got pregnant on the first try and found out there was no heartbeat on my 7 week sonogram. First D&C was problematic and didn't work, 2 days of painful meds and then a second D&C three days later. Very traumatic. Been kind of hellish since then. Diagnosed with a melanoma on my leg (removed and hopefully ok). Been diagnosed with Factor V Leiden (a blood clotting disorder that can cause miscarriages) and because of the problems with the D&C's my OB sent me in for testing on my uterus. First an HSG - painful. The radiologist told me I had a T-shaped uterus which totally freaked me out. Then my doctor's colleague (my doc was on vacay) told me it was a unicornuate. Then a maternal fetal specialist did an ultrasound and said it was bicornuate. Now I am going in for an MRI tomorrow and then a saline sonogram when I get my period next. Like you, I've felt like all I've done since Dec is gotten poked and prodded. I haven't met anyone who has what I have, actually I don't even know what I have yet since I've been dx'd with every MA under the sun. I am a financial analyst that covers Healthcare companies so basically spend my days educating myself on every medical site out there. I was thinking about the surrogacy route when they told me I had T-shaped. I don't know what to think now. I just wanted to say how great your blog was. I can totally relate - esp about the child centric nature of our culture - everywhere you look celebrities are pregnant - so easy, losing weight, gorgeous kids. Its hard to think you have something so bizarre. Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and thank you so much for your blog. I feel so much better after reading it. Wishing you all the luck in the world. I am rooting for you. Best - Jane

KatieM said...

This summed up my feelings exactly.....I would have been 32 weeks this week, and part of me just can't accept this new pregnancy until I actually see a heartbeat. Here's to hoping we both have better endings this time!