Thursday, March 6, 2008

Little explosions

So here begins my spring break. Although unlike my lovely students, my break has little to do with a sunny destination and binge-drinking. Instead, I have some days to catch up on my own work, work on the house and take a brief but much needed trip to an unexplored east coast city. Yeah! Road trip.

Today is the first day of our official "all week, together week." On this very important day, J. and I have already had a little explosion. Historically, we don't fight. There was this one time in an airport that we had a spat about 5 years ago. But we are both non-confrontational by nature. In the past month we have had two "fights." I can only imagine this is due to the stress of our reproductive goings-ons. We have started trying again. And I think unfortunately, we are both anticipating a somewhat painful journey.

This morning we were supposed to do some work together (we often collaborate.) Today, we were supposed to get together to talk about a project we have been invited to do that happens to be time sensitive. We need the proposal written... yesterday. I blocked out the whole morning for it as we had discussed. His morning got usurped by some freelance work so the plan shifted to the late morning/afternoon. I rearranged. Everything was fine. I even got a call from my parents who are unexpectedly coming into the city today. I declined. I had plans. I love plans. And plans are plans!

Then J.'s phone rings. It is a mutual friend who's wife is pregnant. Pregnant two weeks short of my last conception. I don't see them anymore because it is too painful - and I can not bear the thought of ever asking them to edit themselves. So I just stay away. J. proceeds to make lunch plans with him... for today!!! WTF! I shifted my plans, I turned down an outing with my folks who rarely come into town, and he makes f'in lunch plans!

In the end, I know why this happens. He makes lunch plans because he can't say no. He can't say no because he feels guilty. He feels guilty because he has to overcompensate for my absence. He fails to tell me about it, because he does not want to upset me. It is a vicious circle, and it just keeps spinning round. I don't know how to stop it. And in the end we both blame ourselves for our bad behavior. I feel like trying to have a family is starting to destroy the family I already have, and that is just stupid.

My shrink has recommended a couples session and I am starting to consider it. J. doesn't have a lot of words, particularly word about his emotions. I often interpret his lack of word as lack of feelings - which I doubt it is true. And lately, his inability to talk to me has become more and more painful. I can not help him find a way to talk about all this. I have tried, over and over and over. There is this wedge, well a splinter really, that is just starting to divide us. The thought of ever loosing him makes my stomach turn into a knot. So it is off to the shrink for us to see if she can crack the case: What is J. feeling?


sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jenn said...

J sounds a lot like the hub as far as sharing. It is very very difficult to get him to open up. I think it really only happens every 6 months or so & it's usually after a big fight when it's imperative to our relationship that he share some emotion.

I know with him it's because he has been self-suffcient since he was 16 with some terrible family relationships before that that makes him hold everything so close. I wish I had some good advice, but I definitely have empathy. I too have often thought that not saring emotions= not having emotions.
There have been times I wished that we would have done couples therapy. I wish you luck with all of it & I hope it gets better soon.

Freyja said...

Sometimes I'm not convinced my husband still owns his vocal cords... and he stares blankly at our shrink when she starts asking him about "feelings". Good luck!

Meg said...

I think a therapist, if they are good at couples work, will really help you both out. Not necessarily to "fix" something but to help you both grow and strengthen your bond by allowing a space for you both to recognize your needs, ways of communicating and hopefully they will create a safe container for you both to work collaboratively!

loribeth said...

Yep, the stress of infertility will do that to you, unfortunately. :( I have dragged my dh to counselling a few times, sometimes more successfully than others. We went to see an infertility counsellor along the way a few times, & I think he would agree that was very, very helpful. Turned out we were not so far apart on our thinking as we thought, & she helped us to find ways to compromise in spots where we weren't on the same page. Good luck!

Starfish said...

Hmmm..I'd be interested in knowing what the shrink says. My husband was always in denial about reality and never discussed his feelings with me. Made things very difficult. Sorry you have to go to the lunch - hope it wasn't too painful.