Monday, February 25, 2008

To toss or to save.

I'm a tosser... {Stirrup Queens post today is all about the pee-sticks}
I toss the negatives because I don't need any more reminders of my failures... It has actually never once occurred to me to save a negative. It seems like some seriously bad mojo to keep them lying around - but that is just me. Besides, I am also forced to go through elaborate and unsuccessful shinanigans to distract my husband from knowing of this peeing obsession. He is totally on to me and my tinkle habit, but I keep acting like all my early morning sneaking around goes unnoticed.

I came out of the closet this weekend and told him that I had already taken a test on 8dpo. He said, "I knew you were up to something this morning." Even though I had self-exposed my pee-crazy ways, I still refused to buy them in front of him at the target during our weekend errands. Fact is, I was desperate for more. I was trying to show him how tough an am. That's right, I don't care if I am pregnant, no biggie!!

By last night I caved and stopped at the drug store to stock up while he waited in the car. As we were leaving the parking lot he says, "Can't you just buy in bulk on pee-on-a-stick dot com and save us some money?" For a second I imagined him sitting in front of his computer shopping for bargain pee sticks for me. A half-a-sec later I realized he was being a smart-a**. I said, "If I buy in bulk, that means I will be peeing on a stick for months to come, which means I won't be pregnant. I am not ready to commit to that yet." So I buy the expensive ones, in small boxes, in the hopes that by not buying in bulk I won't need them anymore. Bulk = commitment to long term conception failure. Ugh. Not there yet.

Today is 11dpo. Every other pregnancy has revealed itself to me on 11dpo - even if as the lightest of double lines. This morning I was so scared to take it that my right leg was shaking uncontrollably. I deposited it on the back of the toilet and took a deep breath, got up and washed my hands. The stick was as pure as driven snow. I dragged it downstairs to look at it in better light in the office. Still white. I'll probably dig it out of the trash when I get home. It will still be white.

SO WHY, YOU ASK, ARE MY BOOBS STUPID-SORE IF I AM NOT KNOCKED UP? Damn progesterone, I suspect. My RE insisted on doing a 20 second consult (and charging me for it) about the progesterone. In her 20 second description of the process she failed to mention that the suppositories would likely make my ladies ache as bad as they did in pregnancy. Oh, and that I might get headaches and should talk to my doctor if you suffer from migraine... which I do. The pharmacist warned me of the drip, but my god. This is just wrong. All this for what? Pure as driven snow, baby. That pee-stick couldn't get any whiter.


scarredbellybutton said...

Noooo, you've got it the wrong way around. You buy in bulk because as soon as you do you will get a +ve and have all those spare HPTs hanging around :)

I am sorry to hear of another BFN :(

Nessa said...

I was reading your story and the same thing happened to me in 2003. They told me I had a bicornuate uterus, but not to worry, try again after several months then another doctor told me I was lucky I got pregnant and not to expect a full term baby. Now why do they scare you? After this I started to take classes and read books about natural alternatives. Have not seen a doctor since.

G said...

Pee sticks are ebil!
It's only dpo8, I will keep thinking good thoughts for you.

jenn said...

I'm sorry about your negative & the sore boobs. They should have warned you that symptoms are useless with progesterone- you will get a ton of them. I actually am happy when I get symptoms because I have worried about my p-levels in the past, but sore boobs mean high progesterone, but it also means high hopes & high crashes.

I've been buying the small box too. I actually can't even bring myself to buy those anymore, but I know exactly what you mean about making the leap to the bulk box.

Freyja said...

I toss my HPTs too. I've saved some of my various OPKs and CBFM sticks to compare one month to the next,but never an HPT. I agree with you that there isn't much point. I did buy in bulk once... and used them all up. *blush* Haven't bought any more since though.

P4 induced phantomy pregnancy symptoms are lovely. :P