Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I want to melt into air

One year of trying, two miscarriages, two surgeries, three months of waiting and one month of deep anticipation makes me so tired. It is also the night after my husband tells me on cycle day 14 that he wants to wait till next month. We talked about this. We planned on this. Why did he have to wait to tell me till now? Why can't he talk to me about everything? The lengths to which he will go to protect me is hurting me instead. I feel like I got my heart broken all over again.

I want to throw in the towel. On ttc, on work, on home. I wanna run. I am tired of feeling ashamed for who this has made me. I just want to be someone else. I did not sign up for this shit. I did not volunteer to have a million little holes punched into the most important relationship in my life.

I guess I could use some advise. There is not a bone in my body that doesn't know the strength of my relationship with J. But I feel like something happened. I think I am starting to, unknowingly, push him away like I have everyone else. I would give up the chance to ever have children if it would prevent me from loosing him.

Let me just say that this is far from a fatal flaw. But how do I get him to talk to me? He rarely "shares"? How do I get him to understand how profoundly this effects me every day with out him thinking I am totally nuts? I have never felt this way about us. I have never felt a millimeter of distance between us. But today there is the slightest of gaps - separating him from me.


orodemniades said...

Ah, protection. I think you need to tell him straight out that he can't protect you in this process. He loves you enough to want to try, but delaying another month will only worsen things if you're ready to continue on.

I gently suggest that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. It sounds to me that he's trying to protect himself and is using you as an excuse to do so (feel free to read him this comment instead to soften the blow). He's a guy, they think different. Oh, I'm sure he doesn't want to see you in more pain, but I'm thinking he's not getting that him wanting to take a break isn't going to make that pain go away. Does that make any sense?

And, y'know, maybe he's just in a different space from you right now? It seems to me that as women, we tend to just 'get it done' when the 'it' is the only option we can foresee. I suspect that a lot of men want to look at all the options before going forward. (I asked Mr Oro about this just now and he said "It's your body, your decision")

But now that I'm giving it more thought, perhaps he's just having difficulty giving up even the merest semblance of control, and nothing more. Ah, control...infertility knocks that one right on it;s butt.

In any case, I hope you two can have a good long talk (I suggest a glass of wine to go along with it).

loribeth said...

Men, ARGH!! No assvice (at the moment, anyway), just (((hugs))).

Meg said...

Just needed to say hello.

I have a lot of reading to do and will catch up on your blog soon....

scarredbellybutton said...

Oh what a thing to dump on you so unexpectedly!

My DP tends to process things emotionally in a very "male" way. It's only in the last few months that she's even admitted at all how my IF has affected her in the last 4yrs, even that it HAS affected her. I know that men just don't talk stuff out.

I think the experience of being the female body in the IF equation is very different to any other position, and it's hard for anyone who's not been there to understand just what it's like.

No real advice from me, just lots of sympathy, and hope that he will come around. This shit really sucks.

Freyja said...

Medical malady sure does a number on a relationship. Sometimes I feel like my husband and I have just gone from one difficult situation to another the last 3 or 4 years. Our relationship has certainly strained from it. We love each other and are dedicated to figuring it out, but it has been hard. I guess I figure that whenever we manage to come out the other side of the tunnel, we'll be stronger for it. But I'm not 100% convinced we will come out. There is a part of me that thinks regardless of how much we're growing from the process, I'd rather not have gone through it. But then I ponder about how rough raising kids will be and I figure this is good practice for the adversity of that life?

I don't know any secrets to getting into the male head. I often feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when trying to get my husband to understand how I feel about something. And when I don't feel like he's listening or understanding to me I'm shorter, bitchier with him. I remember that I used to mentally hope that he never felt I was being "bitchy". I'm so beyond that now. I don't care how positively or negatively he views my thoughts, if I can just get thru to him what my thoughts ARE. He may not be empathetic but if he can at least understand WHY I'm responding to something the way I am, he should be able to respond somewhat appropriately... I hope you get what I'm saying.