I want to melt into air

One year of trying, two miscarriages, two surgeries, three months of waiting and one month of deep anticipation makes me so tired. It is also the night after my husband tells me on cycle day 14 that he wants to wait till next month. We talked about this. We planned on this. Why did he have to wait to tell me till now? Why can't he talk to me about everything? The lengths to which he will go to protect me is hurting me instead. I feel like I got my heart broken all over again.

I want to throw in the towel. On ttc, on work, on home. I wanna run. I am tired of feeling ashamed for who this has made me. I just want to be someone else. I did not sign up for this shit. I did not volunteer to have a million little holes punched into the most important relationship in my life.

I guess I could use some advise. There is not a bone in my body that doesn't know the strength of my relationship with J. But I feel like something happened. I think I am starting to, unknowingly, push him away like I have everyone else. I would give up the chance to ever have children if it would prevent me from loosing him.

Let me just say that this is far from a fatal flaw. But how do I get him to talk to me? He rarely "shares"? How do I get him to understand how profoundly this effects me every day with out him thinking I am totally nuts? I have never felt this way about us. I have never felt a millimeter of distance between us. But today there is the slightest of gaps - separating him from me.

Hello? Are you there?

I have been trapped, I mean hog-tied with work the last two weeks. It is the beginning of the Spring semester and the prep work is worse than usual due to the fact that I picked up a class I have never taught before at a new school. I have also been eyeball deep in the digital disaster which is my portfolio. Getting organized enough to apply for jobs has been scary. Last week, I was up most of the week till 4 am trying to make sense of my "files" from the last year.

This whole "habitual aborter" thing has had me neglecting my professional life for a mere 9 months. No time like the present to pick up the crumbled mess and mush it into something somewhat solid. My life is not pretty. It just is.

My dear boy J. returns from his middle eastern adventures this weekend and I can not be more ready. I mean, I was ready for him to return the second he left, but now I am REALLY ready!

We have a "date" planned. The kind where I shave my legs and show some cleavage, and he buys us a fancy dinner. I am excited for that. Then on to February. The month where we start to try again without really trying. I have given up temping and OPK's in the hopes of maintainig some sanity. I know I ovulate on or around day 16 - so we'll just get busy. The "hump-fests" of 2007 are a thing of the past. This year, we're just gonna chill.

My RE wants to do one last in office hysteroscopy to see how the resection site healed. I am pretty sick of getting violated, so I am thinking to cancel it and just hope for the best? Whatcha think?

EDIT POST
I want to add a note of sensitivity here to those of you in the IF world who struggle to conceive. I am one of the privileged who can get pregnant, at least prior to my resection I could. Getting pregnant has never been a problem for me - staying pregnant has. Recurrent miscarriage is not the same as the struggle to conceive. Not better, not worse, just different (some may argue this). So as I enter into the "trying without really trying" phase, it is with great privilege that I do so-- I know I am lucky to be able to say that. In reality, it stems from knowing that we should take a break and plan a bit around our work-life, but being truly scared that we have yet to hit the last bump. So we'll head into it, acting ignorant, but knowing we may still be in for a ride.