Monday, January 28, 2008

My appropriate response

I did it! I had a wonderfully appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement this morning (outwardly anyhow). In fact, it was not soul-crushing. I did notice my hands were shaking a bit after I left the room, but I think that was because I almost blew my cover by knowing way too much about early pregnancy: even warning about the dild0-cam.

So this time it is my department chair. She is up for her three year review in a tenure institution. Having a kid in academia is certainly frowned upon, so I can only imagine she is a bit stressed. I am just a measly adjunct - low-pay, no-benefit, slutting around at other schools and hardly making a cent. The only benefit to having no benefits is you are free from the restraint of the tenure-track process. Your job is constantly unstable - so unstable feels quite normal.

Funny thing was she told me they want to hire me for her sabbatical in the fall. It would be great. It would mean for a few short months I would be making a living wage and finally doing my part to help our little family financially. But there are a lot of variables. I am applying for tenure positions myself. If I landed one, it would start that same semester. But that is just the job part. Then there is the uncertainty of our reproductive future. If I am able to get pregnant with some ease and stay pregnant, then I would also not be available in the fall. Hmm, how does this sound. "Well, even though I have been deemed a habitual aborter, my husband and I are foolishly attempting to cross that threshhold one more time. I might be available. In fact, if we look at my current history, I will be available. But if the cooch-lady did a nice job on my Ute remodel, then there is a good chance I too will be about ready to blow by fall."

So what the hell am I supposed to do? I can:
1. Put TTC on hold and try to time a pregnancy so I can teach through the fall semester. This carries the risk that my anatomy is still faulty. I am 32, so time is not exactly pressing, but not exactly nothing. Should I need more treatment... You see where I am going.
2. Screw it, everything in life is variable. Some plans fail, some succeed. Do what you want - which is to TTC again. Risk here is if I get pregnancy quickly and carry through, I will be out of work from May through (forever?) Spring 2009. This puts a heavy financial burden on my husband who is currently under a one year contract that ends at the end of the summer.

It is such a clusterf*ck that I am leaning toward the "hell with it" route. There is nothing easy about either route. There is also nothing for sure.

And finally, a play-by-play of what was going on in my head when my department chair told me these two things: 1. She is 8 weeks pregnant and 2. they have already picked out names. I wanted to scream, to save her from the potential pain. Don't do it! You are getting in too deep too fast. I do pray to whatever higher power that you have a wonderfully smooth pregnancy. But take a breath. Let your body settle into the process. There is never a moment again in my life where I will share a pregnancy this early with anyone. I will just wait till I can't hide it anymore. Losses happen. It can happen to anyone. Not just habitual aborters like me.

3 comments:

K77 said...

8wks and she's got names already? Oh to be so naive! My vote would be "to hell with it", but that's based on my experience of putting off too many things because "I might get pg".

Anonymous said...

bonk like rabbits and never stop trying. I have reached a point in my own habitually-miscarrying, bicornuate uterus life that eventually one of these little buggers will stick. My OBGYN says I'm not 'divided' enough to risk the comps of surgery and friends comfort me with 'at least you know you can get pregnant' - well whoopie! Stuff work, uni, tenures and anything cause women in our situation only have the hope that one preg will go the distance. Hope I wasnt a dampener but I'm sitting here at 5 1/2weeks, pretty numb to the BFP and I havent told a soul - including my husband who I faked my periods to - because I cant deal with one more public miscarriage. People get less concerned with each one that passes. Dont know if I'll even both calling my doctor just yet. Keep going. I'm also voting for 'to hell with it'.

admin said...

ANONYMOUS!!!
Congratulations on our pregnancy!
You doctor sounds like an ass. You should get out of there. Join the Mullerian Anomalies Yahoo Support group NOW!!! (link in my sidebar) Lots of pregnant SU and BU women there can give you great advise!

BU does not typically cause habitual abortion. You may have been misdiagnosed.

Thanks for your advise. Bonking like rabbits is what we will do:)