Freedom has thrown me off the map.

In the last few days I have slowly gotten to re-enter the world. I have had numerous walks around my neighborhood to enjoy the crisp air and the smell of fallen leaves (and car exhaust.) I've been to the grocery, cooked meals and cleaned a bit. I've also been forced to nap - something I managed to avoid throughout my tenure on bedrest. Anyhow, with all of these distraction, I have been unable to focus much on writing, despite having a lot on my mind.

Last week we had some friends over who have a 5 month old. The baby was conceived two weeks after our last lost pregnancy. It is still hard to see them. But even worse is that because they have given birth they seem to think they wrote the book on it. I have had some great conversations with women about their birth experiences. And generally, hearing these stories are helpful to me - preparing me for what can happen and how I may respond in certain circumstances. But there is always that couple, those people, who underlying their story, are clearly advising - or even promoting an agenda. It feels like less of a conversation, more like instruction. And frankly, it really pissed me off.

What people like this can not possibly understand is that when you have been through losses, surgeries, hospitalization, bedrest, and being heavily medicated in an attempt to stay pregnant, that you can only realistically have limited expectations about what birth may look like for you. I don't have the luxury to dream about a fancy, unmedicated, birthing center delivery with only a midwife and a hot tub. My body is a wreck at this and since I am not a total idiot, I realize that there is some likelyhood that I will need the support of a more sophisticated environment - namely, one with ability to cut me open and steal my baby from my belly it things get dicey. I can not trust my body to do what I have been told over and over and over is its "natural" inclination. Because it has failed to follow that path at every turn. I need to know that our baby will be safe. I don't care if in the process I become a statistic on unnecessary c-sections. I am far from being resigned to having a section - but I won't deny it either. For us, birth is basic: baby is here, baby is healthy. End of story.

With that said, the same friends were kind enough to hand us the number of an organization of doulas who provides free services to folks like us: kinda poor. Although we often fall into that grey economic area, not poor enough to qualify for assistance but make too little to afford such services, this organization doesn't do formal economic checks. Anyhow, we have yet to find out if there is a doula who would kindly give her time to us. Having a doula for me does not mean I will push too hard for an unmedicated birth, but rather that there will be another set of eyes and ears in the room to help us through the process, helping to make informed decisions about our care and giving recommendations. I hope it works out.