Saturday, December 29, 2007

How do you begin to un-stall?

How do you begin to un-stall.
How do you start anything when everything stopped months ago.

There was so much more to me. I used to read theory, I used to write, I used to go to community meetings. I was an activist.

But now, I try to begin over and over again. I try to dust off my old teaching philosophy, so I might begin a new one and I just stare at it blankly. I read the first sentence and it means nothing to me. I used to think about education all of the time. I was consumed by it. Now I read the words I wrote and it seems like it was someone else all together who wrote it.

There are so many reasons.
*We bought this house. Rehabbing it started to eat away at our life.
*I started working as an adjunct. Battered and severely underpaid - it is hard to get excited about your job when you can't even make enough to pay back your student loans. As an adjunct you are a peripheral employee, with no tangible ties to the school other than walking through the doors a few times a week. You do not get the privilege of knowing other staff, of getting to know students long term, or of job stability.
*The students. East coast students are a totally different breed than the midwesterners I cut my teeth on. I have had some lovely students here - but none are as invested in their education as my kids in Illinois.
*The funk which is my {un}reproductive hell. It is the razor that made the first cut. As the months went by all of the thread around it just started to unravel, until there was this gaping hole where my life, my interests, my passions used to be. I need a patch.

Motivation.
I have none.
My mind is like gum that you have been chewing for too long. Not very elastic, not very tasty, and nearly impossible to revive.
I disappoint myself every day by not getting a damn thing done.
I do not even come close to resembling the person I was a year ago.
NOT - EVEN - CLOSE.

1 comment:

sarabaumancrna said...

Hi.. someone mentioned your blog in a comment left on mine..so I thought I'd come over and say hi! I can totally relate to what you said about no longer feeling like you resemble yourself. That's something I've been discovering lately and it's the weirdest feeling in the world. I feel like where I was last holidays are oceans away from where I am now. Sometimes when I look at my husband, I think he can see it too. But I think that infertility (especialy along with new jobs) change us to the very core.

I was diagnosed about 7 months ago with a unicornuate uterus via HSG and confirmed by MRI as part of our infertility workup. We've been trying to conceive our first since the end of 2005 and we just had our second failed IUI. We're up for round three this month :-)

I just wanted to say hi..if you are bored and want to stop by my blog is sarabaumancrna1.blogspot.com Hope things look up soon and I was so happy to discover your site!

Sara
(sorry so long!)