Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I am not Infertile enough

I didn't start seeing my RE till I was already 5 weeks pregnant. It had not been recommended that I even see an RE after my first loss, but I just didn't feel right. So I showed up for my first appointment feeling weird, like an intruder. When the nurse was doing my intake she exclaimed loudly in the hall, "She shouldn't even be here!"

Six months later, I just returned from the same office. The receptionist no longer needs me to check in. I remember on my first few visits how she knew all the women who came in, their names, their history, their cycle length. I was an outcast. I was pregnant. But then I lost it. And I started making the weekly visits. And the receptionist learned my face, my history, my cycle length.

My appointment today was an in-office hysteroscopy to take a look at my U. post-resection (I had a usterine septum, like a wall dividing my U. in two.) I sat in the waiting room feeling sick to my stomach, scared of what this appointment might reveal. Then, out of nowhere, I felt like a blanket was laid over me. I felt calmer. I breathed slow. I repeated in my head - "No matter what you find out today, you will be ok." And it was ok.

The camera slid into my murky womb, just 7 days past the start of my cycle. The site of the resection still appeared wounded, bruised. There was a rather large piece of white tissue dangling off the area. This was most likely what caused the bad ultrasound last week - the tissue was gathering clotted material around it. My RE spent some time nudging the tissue with the camera until she was able to knock it off. Not the most comfortable procedure, but glad to have it dislodged. The shape looked good. The two tunnels that used to lead to my tubes were gone and there was a wide expanse of space between. I feel hopeful.

We will be tracking my cycle this month for ovulation, progesterone levels and taking blood to test for any immunilogical issues. None of this was ever checked before because I arrived to my first appointment, like I said, 5 weeks pregnant.

So that is what I am saying. The wall is down. The standard tests are commencing. I am just waiting. Waiting to heal. Waiting for my husband to depart and return from his trip. Waiting for February, so we can begin again. I am not that infertile, I hope. I am in another kind of limbo - between the fertile and infertile worlds. Split down the middle like my uterus used to be.

3 comments:

Yodasmistress said...

I used to feel like that. I used to think that I'm not really infertile... we're just having a bit of trouble. Even after we started seeing the RE and the medicated cycles weren't going well, I thought that if I waited long enough my cycles would level out and everything would be honkey-dorey and I wouldn't need help. Unfortunately that has not proven to be the case. I hope you don't cross that 12 month mark into the official land of infertility. It sucks here.

Maria said...

I know what you mean about feeling infertile, but not really being infertile. We're diagnosed with unexplained, which to means there might not be a problem, or there's a problem they just can't find.

PS- Thanks for the movie tip, I can't wait to rent it.

LauraS said...

Yes the in-between is agonizing, yet hopeful. I recently had my septum resected - surgery #2, this time with a specialist - and am now recovering from a miscarriage post "chemical pregnancy"...the ones we really shouldn't know about, but that technology let's us in on 4 days before our expected period. So my question now...am I part of the 30% of the "normal" population that experience this loss, or is it the remaining septum 'stump' getting in the way?

Good learning experience though...my new rule is only testing days after a missed period...sometimes ignorance really is bliss...