Friday, December 21, 2007

Rounding out the year, appearing as a lazy sac-o-shit

The people at tomorrows reunion, they are J.'s friends. Just like his architecty friends, this group from undergrad were never my friends. In undergrad they were all very exclusive -- and I was never "in" with them. So regardless of our circumstances, this reunion is never a fun affair. But this year, I enter with both irritation and fear-- fear that someone will dump the "your next" or "so when are you two going to get to it" on us.

I have been avoiding social gatherings for months for this very reason. Those statements/questions are like land mines and I have no idea how to avoid them, or how to respond to them. Hence the avoidance. I am totally unprepared to deal, especially with a groups of somewhat superficial friends that I only ever see once a year.

The caveat is the A. is REALLY pregnant. Frankly, I give her serious props for coming out. And we were never close, and they started their family years ago - so somehow, for some reason, I think I am ok to see her. I just know that her swollen belly will get people glancing in my direction, even if only long enough to wonder - "why haven't those two knocked some out yet?"

I have been considering my possible rebuttals to stupid comments/questions. What I would really like to do is be able to spazz out on someone and tell them how my body is a baby killer and how they should think twice when they start inquiring about peoples person shit. Ideally this would be someone that I already have some distain for, so I can feel at least a little good about myself afterwards. I was also thinking it would be cool to have a really witty rebuttal, but I am not witty. Pamela Jeane at Coming2Terms gives a great response. "My husband and I have evolved to perfection. Clearly your family tree needs some work!" But I would totally flub the delivery. More likely is that no one will say anything at all, and I will have to live inside of my dirty, dark, shameful, scary secret for another night. A lot of them live in LA + NYC, so mostly they will want to talk about themselves-- and as long as it saves me an uncomfortable moment-- that is ok with me.

It used to be that I could go to these things and I would feel great about myself. I would respond the the standard bevy of question with answers like: "I am finishing grad school" or "I was just awarded a show in Ireland" or "I am applying for tenure track jobs." But this year, the honest answer is something like: "I had two miserable miscarriages, a surgery to resect my uterine septum and all that has taking a pretty serious bite out of any plans that I ever had for myself. Our chance of having children is still somewhat dicey." WHO WANTS TO HEAR THAT AND WHO IS ACTUALLY PREPARED TO RESPOND IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY? I know I wouldn't be able to respond to that if I was in their semi-friend shoes. So I have to suck it up and pretend like I was busy being lazy instead of getting violated by the dildo-cam and an acupuncturist on a pretty regular basis. Getting your junk in order is a full-time job. Between the scheduling and the inordinate amount of internet research required to advocate for yourself as a patient - I am not sure how I got anything done at all this year.

So basically, I got nothin'. I got no kid, no fabulous job, no exciting news of travels to far off places. Instead, I got a crash course in uterine anomalies and I got real used to having a magic wand jammed up my hoo-haa.

But no one knows that, or will know that. So I just look like a lazy sac-o-shit...


orodemniades said...

No chance of having a really bad migraine that day? Or, um, stomach flu? Or, perhaps, a case of the I'm Going To Freakin' Kill Someone If I Go To Your Stupid Party-itis?

admin said...

Your comment and timing is uncanny. I actually am starting a migraine - likely induces by the near bottle of wine I drank last night and the number of buckeyes I have eaten today.
So I will send my husband off solo to deal with all the people who made me feel terrible about myself in my 20's.. and apparently, now in my 30's.
Regardless. I am OFF THE HOOK!

jenn said...

I'm glad you are off the hook- I lucked out of the "when are you guys having kids" comments at christmas this year.
I did have the same urge to scream at the top of my lungs about what this last year has meant for me- about the fear of never being able to get pregnant and how hard it is to hear them talk about "when you guys have kids". But I know they mean it with love & hope in their hearts. Since we haven't shared that we are even trying yet (thank goodness!) it would be unfair to unload on them that way. But I am tempted. And if I didn't already love them & have tied my life to them- I may have acted on my temptations!
I hope that your holidays were (& are) happy & that 2008 is the start of a great new year!

Yodasmistress said...

This post made me laugh... and shake my head in sympathy. At first I felt bad because I have no grand advice... but then I realized I'm off the hook since this post is a few days old.

I recently went to my 10 year reunion. I was not very cool in high school. I was *really* into the counter culture at an early age and the popular kids could have dubbed themselves "Overachievers-R-Us" if they'd wanted to. As you can clearly imagine, I was very uncool. Now 10 years has gone by and I just walked in like I owned the place, started drinking immediately and had a great time. Fantastic actually. Only bad thing is that, in retrospect, my imbibing might have just reinforced their previous perceptions of me. But I didn't have to fess up to working for my dad or being infertile. You win some, you loose some, I guess. ;-)

Pamela Jeanne said...

Thanks for the shout out. I know how much you dread these kinds of social events. If only those around you had any inkling of the drama and surreal nature of your behind-the-scenes activities. It might even make them stop talking about themselves for a minute...hang in there!