Sunday, April 13, 2008

Double D's: Doubts and Decline

Five days till the ultrasound and my freak-out has commenced. I am starting to feel as though my symptoms are in the decline. Let's just say I feel slightly un-pregnant. Yesterday I was decidedly un-constipated. My b00bs felt less tender and my abdomen less tough. My high progesterone levels were making my face really oily. Yesterday - not oily at all. I felt a peak of symptoms on wednesday and thursday, then friday and saturday they felt less. I am hoping that there is some ebb and flow to the symptoms, making each day feel different, but I don't know. Has anyone experienced these kinds of symptomatic ups and downs and still had everything be ok?

I am six weeks today. I loose them in week five. So this week will hurt, either in anxiety or bad news.

Last week I felt like I had some peace about this wait. But now I am starting to wig out. There is nothing that I can do but wait, and wait and wait. I am so freaking sick of waiting.

I wish I could say that I have envisioned the moments my RE turns the screen towards me and shows me the heartbeat. I wish I could say how I imaged calling my husband and telling him the great news. I wish I could say that I envisioned rushing home to post here and tell all of you that it is going to be ok. But all I have envisioned so far is me laying on the table, my heart pounding uncontrollably and my RE with a slightly frantic look on her face - searching, searching, searching, and finding nothing. I have already been considering whether or not to have another D&E - knowing if there was a chromosomal issue would help, but do I risk another forced dilation of the cervix. Its like I have already decided that it is gone. But I don't know that. Be there!! Just freaking be there!

I know what's running through your head: I should think positively. But in this mess, attitude has never gotten me anywhere. This is not about hard work, it is not about positive thoughts, it is not about aiming for the stars. It is physiological. It is my body - this uncontrollable mass of cells and disagreeable parts. Yes, I can eat good, take my vitamins and exercise - but none of that changes the fact that I was born this way. My body hates embryos and I am so pissed at it for that. My body has failed me. It has failed my husband. I want to kick my own ass.

This whole situation is compounded by the fact that my husband has not got a job offer yet. We were hoping to hear at the end of last week, but nothing. Because he has yet to get an offer from the school he wants, he will have to go to another interview this week - of course the day of my ultrasound. So add to my imagination, me, standing at the corner of 8th and Pine, watching a long line of very pregnant women waddle by while I cry my eyes out. Alone. I am still considering finding someone to go with me, but I suspect I will try to act like a hard ass and go it alone.

This post is pretty grim. I hope you were not looking for something uplifting. Sorry, I just don't have it in me.


jenn said...

I am so sorry that you are having all this rush of feellings- it does seem to be completely expected & I won't tell you to think positively because I do know that you really can't force yourself to.
But I will say that I have heard that the hormones fluctuate a lot in early pregnancy & it is not at all uncommon to feel unpregnant for a week followed by an onslaught of morning sickness. Your body does get used to the hormone levels too at some point.
And I am sorry that your body hated embryos- but I have to think that now that the oven has been all fixed up- your body will be loving them.
I hope that you can focus on the now & take it one day at a time until thursday. Try not to think about what-ifs- they really just bring your anxiety level up & do nothing good. What is- is. No matter what you think it will be. Just know we are here for you whatever the outcome is. (But I really think it will be positive!)

And I am sorry about the hubby's job search- I know that feeling & it gets hard. I hope he gets a call soon.

Meg said...

All I can say is I completely understand that you feel this way. You speak so clearly all of my fears of a third pregnancy....the waiting and the sick fact that many of us will not allow hope to knock on our door.

Hang in there. I wish I could do something to make this week go by sooner.

Anonymous said...

Of course your feel terrified, it's not like you have had good u/s experiences previously. But remember, you have a new uterus now. Things can be different. They probably ARE different this time. Hugs to you.

amylynn said...

we are in the same boat right now...just know you are not alone in this fight.

sara said...

I think that the most uplifting thing a person can do is be honest. That is something you have mastered. So I actually always find your posts refreshing and honest and no matter what they say that is uplifting to me. I hope so badly that this ultrasound goes well, whether you decide to go by yourself or not. Either way I'll be thinking of you and hear to listen no matter what. Sending you hugs :-)