Friday, April 4, 2008

Skip your 1st ultasound and proceed to Limbo

I have warned of this before. I am a failure as a fertile, but a failure as an infertile. I am one of those cases where the pregnancy part is not really the problem. It is the "holding" of the pregnancy that is the problem. Just like that Seinfeld episode about the reservation: where the restaurant can take the reservation, they just can't hold the reservation. I can take a pregnancy, I just can't hold it. I hope this one will be the first I can hold.

This issue puts me in a weird place. I felt really unhinged announcing this pregnancy in the IF blog-o-sphere. I want it more than anything, but I don't want to be a painful reminder to others of what they have yet to receive. There is just something that makes me feel inauthentic as both a fertile and an infertile. It is such a confusing issue. I am not usually the type that even feels comfortable being a part of something. I tend to be a loner. But when it seems like everyone in the real world has failed to provide you with support, or just kicked dirt up in your eyes, you long for a connection with others like you. There is just so few of us. Those of us who ride the line between the fertile and the infertile.

But it is not too late for me to lean into my IF identity. I finished teaching class today, came home and ran out to the store. Arriving back home I had a few sharp twinges in the ute. I started to put away the groceries. More twinges. I grabbed the heating pad and headed for the couch, where I have set the rest of the afternoon, feeling bite after bite. I am truly, truly frightened by this. They are not period-like. They are quick stabbing-like pains way down in my pelvis and near my hips. They feel much like the pains I had during the last m/c. I wish now I had take better notes during my previous days moonlighting as a fertile - describing in more detail how I felt in the time just before the losses.

I can not think of anything else. I can not concentrate. My brain is mush. Ever tweaking muscle heightens my awareness. But would it really matter anyhow. If I loose, I loose. There is nothing I can do to prevent it or stop it. It is totally out of my hands. Does this get better? Or if I make it all the way am I doomed to 9 month of completely neurotic behavior?

In an attempt to prevent my own mental destruction I have decided to skip my 5 week ultrasound. I have an important project that needs to be completed on the 15th and fear that any issues with the scan will render me non-functioning. So I will wait till the 17th and hope for a HB. DH is coming with me. It is gonna be a rough day.

My best wishes to my fellow bloggers in blogland that got good news this week: Jen, KatieM, Amylynn and Sara. I hope I can stay in your company for the full 9. We can ride this biatch together.


jenn said...

I'm sure you are just feeling those minor cramps everyone talks about as your new & improved Ute stretches & the little bean burrows in. I really hope that is what it is. The 17th sounds so far off- I hope you have a nice calm, but action packed to take your mind of things, nearly 2 weeks until then. And then that you get to relax into this pregnancy for a full & uneventful 9 months!

scarredbellybutton said...

I hope it's stuff that's within the realm of normal, I can see why you'd be scared though of course.

Holding on for the ride is about the best you can do, and I hope you get good news at the u/s soon.

orodemniades said...

I had some sharp and stabby pains too, but I have no history of miscarriage. I really, really hope it's just the ol' ute having a stretch or two.

But, y'know, don't be afraid to harangue your clinic for an ultrasound, either.

sara said...

Oh do you always make me cry and burst out laughing both when I read one of your posts? I start reading your post and I'm about to cry because I'm thinking please oh please just stick damn it for you...just stick - let this one work! Then I get to the end and you end it with hoping that we can all ride this biatch out together and I burst out laughing!

I have had quite a few sharp cramps in the last week - like someone takes a finger and pokes me where an ovary would be. My RE said not to worry for now that this can be normal. Maybe that's similar to yours? I have no idea.

I'm sorry that you have to go for such a bumpy ride - it seems so unfair sometimes. I'm hoping and praying for the best. Always know I'm here to listen and are looking forward to sharing the path - good or bad. From one screwed up uterus to're stuck with me checking on you often!

KatieM said...

Thanks for the well wishes, and even though I know it never makes you feel better to hear this: I had cramps ones,especially when I coughed or sneezed...turns out I have cysts on my ovary from the side that ovulated, it's pretty common. I also have dull achy cramps if I change positions too quickly...again, normal.

I hope you can make it to the 17th sane, but once you do I just know you will see a little heartbeat...hold on tight hun, you ARE on this ride until the end! ;-)

Oh, and I'm only 6w2d, but I'm pretty sure the craziness lasts the entire time =P

amylynn said...

I know exactly what you are talking about and really there is nothing I can say that will ease your concerns. Just remember you have a new improved ute now, and it is, it WILL do the job it was born to has to damnit b/c I can't take anymore loss. My u/s is not until the 21st. I am praying for you.

G said...

Hang in there hun. I have you in my thoughts.