Thursday, April 10, 2008

T-shirts for habitual aborter

I am getting calmer, perhaps just settling into my persistently nervous condition. I feel a cramp here and there, and I don' t panic and run for the couch anymore. Life goes on all around me, and I refuse to fall any further behind than I already am. So I push through the twinges, but stay pretty vigilant on panty-partrol. No spotting since that first smudge. I am 5 weeks 4 days today: hardly pregnant really.

It helps that I have been wonderfully distracted by a visit from two old friends who live in Spain. They only make it over ever few years, so it is a real treat to see them. On Sunday we went to the F.rida K.ahlo show at the art museum. I know her work well, but can honestly say I have not revised it since my reproductive tornado began. It was the first time in my life, even as an artist, that I felt so close to an experience that an artist was portraying. I felt I deserved a front position in the cue to see the work, but alas, I forgot to wear my "I had a miscarriage, too" t-shirt.

The experience of seeing K.ahlo's work was overall surreal. After waiting in a cue that is more reminiscent of "Space Mountain," you finally arrive at the entrance to the show. The gallery's are hot and packed to the gills with headset-toting art-goers. You shuffle through, consuming not just her work, but images of her life with Diego Rivera. In a few photos, she poignantly cradled other people's children, but never her own. Her heritage weights heavy on the work: it is dramatic, visceral, exposed, even grotesque. I was worried I would burst into tears at the sight of her body portrayed on a hospital bed, covered in blood, with her baby still connected to her. But instead I saw her pain and her experience in a way that was so beautifully unashamed - so self-exposed. I can not imagine being so driven to reveal something so deeply personal to the world. But I am grateful that she made these works. And I am grateful that Fertiles of the world can shuffle through the cue and be shocked just like I am. I hope that in these paintings a bit of understanding can occur - an understanding of the level of grieve and pain suffered by infertiles and "habitual aborters." It hurts that much. It really does. And these paintings make you believe that.

My ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday, April 17th. I pushed it back and back in attempt to avoid drama in the next week and a half because of other pressing obligations. I know I can not deal with the disruption of a bad outcome till after a deadline n the 15th: so we wait.

Problem is that my dear boy has a job interview the same day as the appointment. There is a chance he may bag the interview if he gets an offer from another place on Monday, but we don't know when or if that offer will come. So for now, I am just keeping the appointment and hoping for the best. His interview is an hour and a half away. So if there was a catastrophe, I would be stranded downtown, forced to ride the train home as a sobbing, shaky mess. We have considered telling my mother so she can come with me, but I really wanted to keep this to ourselves for a while. The other idea would be to ask my acupuncturist, who is also a friend, to come with me. This morning I feel like I could handle it on my own, but I just don't know.


KatieM said...

Wow, that painting is very touching in a very chilling, emotional way. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you for the 17th. I just know everything will be OK.

jenn said...

Take your time with it- all seems to be going well right now & I agree that you should have someone with you- even if it's just to make you smile while you wait to be seen. If I didn't have to work- I'd go with you!

I am going on the 25th the see Ka.hlo- I didn't know about the photos- photography is actually my favorite media & I'm really glad I will get to see them!

loribeth said...

Another blogger, can't remember who (Peesticks & Stones?), also went to see the Kahlo exhibit recently. Pretty amazing stuff.

Probably a good idea to have someone with you for your u/s. (((hugs))) I'll be thinking of you.

sara said...

Hey today at my doctors appointment (Fri) they told me I was 5 weeks 4 days. So I think I'm one day behind you. Maybe we really will be able to ride this biatch out together after all as you put it :-) Still makes me smile! I'm hoping you have a great ultrasound next week, and it's cool that you're feeling a little more confident. The artist's work sounds amazing - you described a great show!

luna said...

thanks for your comment. it was an amazing display. I agree it would be so hard to share such intimacy with the world. yet here we are blogging! in our own little way, we let others in too.