Tuesday, June 17, 2008

As old feeling creep back in.

We saw some old friends this weekend. One couple have a four month old - having gotten pregnant just weeks after my first miscarriage. I sobbed (I mean sobbed) for hours after their announcement at a mere 6 weeks. I was surprised at how well I handled meeting the new baby. It was their baby, not mine. But I did have a few little flashbacks - remembering how we were in the midst of skim-coating the front room on a hot July day when their call came in to tell us about the "peanut." I remembered running up to the bathroom and hovering over the toilet, about to puke. I remembered crying so hard that I could not catch my breath. I remembered how much it hurts to hear others good news. I realized that my own good fortune brings others pain - and I hate that.

But we also had to go through the awkward moment of breaking the news. We have been timidly telling people in a kind of scattered way. We announce to those we feel comfortable with and keep in the closet with the rest. I told DH, because these friends are really his, not mine, that it was his job to tell all. I was nervous, I blushed, after he spilled it. Then I shakily shared the remainder of the saga consisting of miscarriages and surgeries. People don't really want to hear that part of the story, nor do they know how to react, but it is important for me that people know. I want them to be prepared if something goes wrong, I want them to know if they ever encounter similar problems that they can call us - that we will understand.

Everyone seemed excited, except for me - sitting in the corner feeling like a freak under a microscope. The one couple, who does not have children, made me the most nervous. The man-part of said couple REALLY is ready for procreation. I don't know if they are trying, but if they are and are having trouble, then I worry that our news might hurt them. Even if they are not trying, I know D. so desperately wants kids that our news is probably met with a tinge of sadness. It tears me to shreds to think that our situation would ever hit someone in the same way that the onslaught of announcements has hurt us. But it just is what it is.

The other "old feeling" I am getting reacquainted with is paranoia. On Sunday night my belly was busting out. For the first time I looked a little pregnant - not just like I had been soaking myself in beer for the last 3 months. But yesterday, my belly seemed to shrink a bit. It also feels a tinge softer. I had a hard time sleeping, waking up periodically to worry and wondering if anyone I know owns a doppler. I guess it is normal to be bloated or not. I guess the position of the fetus also effects the appearance of the belly. Either way, I am one paranoid biatch. I keep asking DH, "Are you sure it doesn't look smaller?" Time will tell. I have a cervical check on Thursday in which I will bring a fresh $20 bill to slip the tech for a peek at the roomie. I am not sure if they are all business and will only check the cervix, but it seems like if you are down there already you could at least give me a peek. Been a long time since I seen my old friend the dild0-cam. Good times.

Sunday, the same day I was also looking big, I had a few hours worth of sporadic and worrisome twinges. I am getting used to recognizing the round ligament pains, but these pains were more central - radiating from the bellybutton down with a shooting feeling. I also has some pains low down in my groin. Again - totally paranoid. I am assuming this is the nature of an organ that must stretch - but every little thing has me worried this week. I was on a kind of worry honeymoon after the NT scan results. But now I am developing a whole new set of things to obsess over.

We are off to my folks for 2 days and a night. DH has volunteered to help my dad replace the deck surrounding the pool (what a guy!!!) We'll be sleeping in the motor-home in the backyard. Unfortunately it is the closest thing to a "vacation" we will be getting this summer.


Freyja said...

I have yet to meet a single person who conceived "easily" understand how much someone else announcing their pregnancy can hurt. Kudos to you for caring enough to think about it.

Freyja said...

I have yet to meet a single person who conceived "easily" understand how much someone else announcing their pregnancy can hurt. Kudos to you for caring enough to think about it.

Anonymous said...

The pg announcement of your friends sounds like it was truly awful for you :(

I haven't really done much in the way of announcing myself. At almost 33wks I still hide from the neighbours in order to avoid "that" topic.

I hate that my existence causes pain to other infertiles too.

If you're feeling very worried, go get checked in emergency, even if you have to lie a little eg say you've had crampy feelings, or just plain say that you "don't feel right".

sara said...

Oh Meredith, I'm so sorry that worrying has returned. As far as the looking smaller some days, I think a lot depends on the position of the baby, even this early on. And as weird as it sounds, I think gas plays a big part still. I notice my stomach seems larger and smaller often. Isn't it a terrible feeling to think that us being pregnant makes others feel the way we have felt before. I so wish that we could somehow not pain others when we ourselves have felt pain and still continue to worry so much because of problems that still exist (f-ed up uteruses). I hope your mini vaca is a good one, and I hope that tech allows you a glimpse at the little one. You're right, I think there's no reason that they can't look at the kiddo while they're "up there." Hope you're feeling better soon, if you're really worried just run it by your doc. It can't hurt. Hugs!

sara said...

I think once again, our bodies have some strange connection because I was just thinking that I was worried about the twinging and cramping I've had as well. We must have been twins in some previous life I swear, our bodies seem eerily connected! But I'm glad if I have to be connected, it's to you!