All's well on the cervical front...

The past few weeks have been, well, full. We sold our house. Our mortgage for the new house collapsed. The mortgage was revived from the dead. We closed and went straight to the airport to send DH off to Europe for work for nearly two weeks.

In his absence the boy got sick, so I was pretty home bound. And with the cerclage and previa I am not allowed to lift. So unpacking has been impossible.

Then my laptop died. Ugh. Then it got fixed! For free!

Finally I had a peri/OB combo day yesterday with lots of excitement. First, my length is holding out great. In the 3.9 range. Then I found out that the Previa had already clear the cervix by 3 cm! That is one fast moving placenta! THEN, I found our we are having a girl! Holy Sh*t! I thought for sure I was going to remain a woman surrounded by boys! But I was proved so wrong! No boy parts in there. Finally, I ran over to the OB's office and got my first 17P injection. For those of you who don't know, 17P is a shot of progesterone given weekly to "calm" an irritable uterus-- of which I have one:) The shot goes deep into the muscle and the fluid its thick-- so it takes a while to go in. My husband has to learn how to give it to me, but I am not so sure about all that. I'll be on it from 17-36 week.

All is good here. I still feel like I am just waiting for the shit to hit the fan-- but trying to enjoy life on my feet. Hope all is well for all of you out in blogland.

Previa

It wouldn't be me if my body did not decide to throw something else into the mix. I went in for my 15 week u/s cervical cerclage check and found out I have a placenta previa. I have had about a million ultrasounds, so when the tech pointed it out, it was clear to me that only a small portion of the placenta is touching the cervix. So I feel hopeful that it will resolve itself. That said, if it doesn't migrate and my cervix starts to funnel, I am expecting a lot of drama... and blood.

I am handling it pretty well. Probably because it is still early and it looks pretty marginal. We'll see.

Cervix and stitch look fine. 3.4 cm and holding.

Cercalge + Recovery

So the whole procedure was, well, weird. General anesthesia is a no-no in pregnancy, so when you have a cerclage placed you are fully aware and awake. I find operating rooms strange, and have been in many. They are cold, sterile places, as they should be. But they always seem so strangely large as well, which makes you feel even more vulnerable.

I was given a spinal, which was easy. The OR nurses were awesome, supporting and caring. I felt well taken care of. My legs started to get heavy and I was laid back on the table. I was covered in a blow up, heater blanket to keep warm. I was strapped down to the table at the hips and my legs were lifted into the hanging stirrups and draped. The table was tilted back, so my head was lower than my hips. Bright lights were illuminated and my OB went to work.

I had thankfully thought to ask if I was allowed to listen to my (eye)-pod. So as soon as the procedure began I cranked my music and closed my eyes. The whole thing was just too surreal to be present for it. I felt some tugging, pressing and pulling, but no pain. And it was done in a flash. I think I listened to less than 2 songs.

It took a long time for my feeling to come back in my legs. I spent hours in recovery gorging on crackers and juice. I was starved. About 5pm I finally made it to the bathroom and peed - which ok'ed my discharge. I was bleeding, though not bad.

I spotted on and off for the next 24 hours and had some pretty severe cramping for the 12 hours following the placement. What I did not expect was to get the dreaded spinal headache about 36 hours after anesthesia. I actually think mine was not as bad as it could have been. But the worst part was that I felt ok laying down, and felt like hell if I stood or sat up. So while I tried my best to not be confined to bed, it was really my only option for the following 3 days. What a drag. Upside? I did not change a diaper for 4 days! It was glorious!

A week following the cerlage placement I had a follow up with the Peri's and then my OB. The stitch looks great and my cervix is long and firm - though I wouldn't expect anything different at 13 weeks. I will be seeing the Peri's every other week and my Ob every other week - so an appointment every week. I feel good about the monitoring. My OB, in particular, is feeling really optimistic for me not seeing too much bedrest-- but I think he's nuts. Only time will tell.

Coming out...

I am 12 weeks pregnant. But I know my good fortune can be a bitter pill for others. So I waited and waited, not quite knowing what to say, how to say it. An unimaginable number of my real world friends are in the TTC cue, and I know how much it hurts to hear someone cut in front of you. So while, of course we are happy, we've pretty much kept it to ourselves.

It also wouldn't be me if there was not drama. I had a lot of bleeding early on. Once that subsided I enjoyed a long stretch of non-barfing nausea. But superior to last time around where I wretched for weeks on end.

I had my cerclage placed 2 days ago. Bleeding and cramping has subsided, but I am just now getting a headache, I think from the spinal. Hopeful I am back to normal and up and about by tomorrow.

Chances are high I have a long stretch of bedrest in my future, complicated by a frisky toddler and a husband who will be spending a large part of the summer and fall in Europe. So me and the little dude will camp out with various family members and beg for their help and patience.

I don't know if anyone even comes here to read anymore. Nor can I predict how much I will be writing. But I like the idea of sharing my experience again -- especially since my IC is known and will be treated with a cerclage and P17 shots this time around. If my experience can be a resource for anyone with similar issues - then that something...

Children vs time.

I was on the train and there was this spunky 5 year old who got on with her father. She had a lot of words and sat down in the handy-cap spot next to the call button. She enthusiastically asked he father questions about the button, what it did, what was written above it and why it was there. She was so lovely. He fathers response each time was sharp, bitter, snapping and mean. More often than not, he just told her to shut up. But in her wisdom, or oblivion, she continued to drown him with her inquisitiveness. Her relentlessness and resilience was both endearing and hopeful. I not sure she can keep it up till she can get away from her asshole of a father, but I hope so.

But she caught my eye because I have been thinking a lot about kids, who they become, how they change and how those changes challenge parents. When I think back to my life with D. as an infant, there were certainly "hard" parts. Sleep was challenging, and nursing, while lovely, was time consuming. Now that sleeping has recovered, and nursing is less frequent, I should have more time right? Nope. Now D-man is so mobile he takes a lot more monitoring. I think there is a curve, in a diagramatic sense, that is the relationship of the child's age to the mother's productivity. Not to say domestic labor is somehow unproductive - but I mean labor as in the money making, free-lancing, non domestic kind. I thought I would be at the "gets more done" stage when D. reached a year, but in fact I think it is still getting harder...

I am also starting to have some stress about having another - or trying to. DH has a big project going on that is taking him to a different continent about ever other month. And since bedrest and toddlers don't really jive, our original plan to TTC in March has now shifted to August. If I were your average pregnant person, with average lady parts, this would not be a biggie. But after losses, a septum resection, issues in each trimester, incompetent cervix and months in bed... well, let's just say I am a little freaked. I keep wondering if the septum is really gone? I know that is nuts. But I really want to go in for my annual and ask my OB to do a quick U/S. I just want to make sure nothing is there.

And I am also pushing 35. After you have been burned my the miscarriage bug, you take nothing for granted. The older I get, the more risk. I am not stupid enough to think, "that would never happen to me." It could. And if we wait, and I get pregnant and carry to term, I'll be delivering around my 36 birthday. Ugh.

The other part is, I hate to say this, but we would love a big family. Like, at least 3. That alone would dictate a rapid fire schedule. Uuuuhhhh. Who knows what to do. It is a mess really. So I guess we'll just wait. Despite the fact that I'd rather not. We'll wait. We'll wait. And I'll just keep telling myself that everything will be ok.

Rarely writing, but I finally had a few things to say

It has been a wild week. There were countless, significant milestones I needed to mark... Here are just a few.

1.G from Makes you stronger stunned me, and herself and the rest of the blog-o-sphere with a viable, beating little bean at this weeks scan. Holy shit. Un-fucking-believable story. If I could have one single wish this year, it is for G to get her ass knocked up... and stay that way. At least for 9 months:)
2. The little D-man turned 1! Knock my fat ass over with a feather, has a year gone by already? I miss my little lump of mush, but also love watching him grow into a little person.
3. The boy said "Mama!" Two days after his birthday he started consistently saying it. Melt-worthy.
4. I did my first, paid workshop as part of our new start up (me and 5 friends.) Feels awesome to make some money outside of the academic crap-hole I have been sucked into.

Well, I have procrastinated long enough. I have a pound cake in the shape of a choo-choo-train to make and ice. The official birthday party is tomorrow.

I'm not sure when I stopped.

It was not a decision. It just happened. Time was eaten up, and this place I had for myself, for you, lost its weight in my world. But I miss it here. Despite the face that I may be alone again. Where are you old friends?

Life is both good and busy. DH is hauling ass, working a ton. I am teaching, working on a start-up venture with friends and holding down the domestic end full-time. In other words, I and a FT-SAHM with two half-jobs. It is exhausting, but just fine. I struggle, but I have a great life and the good fortune to be able to choose either or both paths.

Motherhood is lovely and unexpectedly satisfying. I never thought I would ever entertain staying home full time - but I love it. Sometimes I feel like a big puss for that. But most of the time i couldn't give a damn what others think. My little dood will only be young once. I am greedy about my time with him.

There a big plans brewing for the next year. DH is traveling a ton (across the pond.) We hope to buy a bigger house in the spring. And we are trying to work out the details about expanding our family in the fall of 2010. It is a complicated dance - the work, the moving, the tricky pregnancy. But we'll figure it out. Nearly 4 months of bedrest and the pain of child birth have faded into the distance. I fear what bedrest will look like with a toddler running about. But I know we can do it. Not without the support of or wonderful families - but I know they are all excited to see our clan grow.

More than anything I stress about the stress - remembering those moments of hopelessness - of feeling like my body was failing so terribly. I remember the terror and fear of knowing that we could have lost him. I can only hope that if we successfully conceive again, that we'll be better prepared this time. We have a good doctor. We know how to treat my issues preventatively. We've been through it all.

I miss you blog-o-sphere. I hope you are swell.
xo

A year in pics

A year of images. You can see the many U/S images early on. Leading to what looked like a "normal" pregnancy. Then to the hospital and out again. Then comes the little boy.

Slice me up into little pieces

There are just not enough of me to go around. Mom-me, work-me, freelance-me, wife-me, friend-me, daughter-me, blog-me and on and on. This summer has been crazy, despite that it feels if I have achieved little. But that is not entirely true. The bathroom door and trim finally got painted. That has got to count for something.

But what is crazy to think about is that this time last year the shit was about to hit the fan. I was about to go into preterm labor, my cervix was shortening and none of my shithead doctors would help me. We hauled ass to a suburban hospital and were admitted straight away. I stayed there for a little over 4 weeks. Leaving my OB and heading to the burbs was the smartest thing we ever did. I am not sure if my son would be here today if we hadn't.

I have very few pictures of myself pregnant and not confined to a bed. So this is what I looked like this time last year.


Our little boy is rocking the house. Today was downright monumental.
- He started articulating da, da, da in a very purposeful and clear way.
- He started to sway a little when he heard music.
- He got a TOOTH!

I know, boring boring. But we are siked... And sad to see his grow so fast.

And then it just stopped:)

So we have been letting baby D, cry himself to sleep. I don't like it, but he stopped falling asleep after nursing a few weeks ago - at least at bedtime. His social self was just wanting stay up with us. He was accumulating a sleep deficit. No napping well and being a real crabster. Then I realized that even if I nurse him, then lay with him in bed, he still need about 5 minutes of solid cry time. So cry.it.out it is. I know bedtime routines and sleep-stuff is a generally sensitive subject. Everyone needs to do what they think is best for the temperament of their child. This is what works for us.

Then last night, it just stopped. We stayed up late to see Nonie and Pop and then put him in bed awake. He wimpered a bit, then shut his eyes! Then this morning, I nursed him down, plopped him in bed and POOF! He was asleep. Super!

Despite our good fortune, we may be about to ruin it all. Today we depart on our first flight together as a family to a time zone on the other side of the country. Not sure how we will get him adjusted to the west coast, a strange bed and the evening sounds of old friends catching up. We are on our way to see our dearest of friends and their little nursling, Mr. Finn. It promises to be a great trip, with the added bonus of meeting my dear internet friend G - live and in the flesh! Awesomesauce!

So wish us luck on two flights and a layover. I will have a darling boy attached to my b00b nearly all day. I am feeling more chill about it today than I was yesterday. The benefit of seeing old friends outweighs my anxiety:)

And a pic for the road:)