Weekend away

It has been unbearably hot in this stinky city for days. We retreated to my family's farm on friday, only returning last night (see pic). My folks were away so we were there to tend to their many dependents, be them dogs, cats, ponies, sheep, plants, etc. It was lovely to be out in the fresh air - although it was still darn hot. But the lull of their central air and in-ground pool took the edge off. We even sneaked in some skinny dipping:) Which I have not done since I was in high school!


The whirlwind of my sister's recent move out of my parents house with her three kids left my mom's place in a shambles. I spent much of the weekend vacuuming and dusting. I was happy to do it. My 63 year old mother, while minding full time my sisters children, also tends to a massive kitchen garden. So the house has taken a back seat, and frankly, was worse than I have even seen it. So I go a lot of satisfaction out of cleaning. Not only could you see the difference, but it felt great to be able to do something nice for her - since she so often does for me.

Saturday was spent shopping for a new mattress. I have slept my entire adult life on a piece of sh*t, so we decided it was a good time for an upgrade. Of course we can not afford it, but with DH's aching neck and my hips sore from side-sleeping, we thought we best be proper amer*icans and accrue a little more debt. Shopping for a mattress sucks. It is really hard to feel the difference and equally as hard to know if you are making a good choice. We were looking for something in the middle price range - not too cheap, not too fancy. We finally scored at a department store. We also decided to bump up to a Queen - which of course adds the cost of new sheets. But DH divulged after years of sharing a bed that his feet hang off the end and that is why I always end up tangled in his legs. So for an extra 10 bucks and the cost of 2 sets of sheets and a mattress pad, he will get to sleep like a proper man:) It is very exciting really. It arrives on Thursday.

All's quite on the pregnancy front. Had a lot of BH contractions yesterday, perhaps because we spent most of the day outside. I was in the shade, or in the pool and drinking water... Who knows why. We drove home around 8 pm and I had not felt the roomie since the afternoon. So I curled up on the couch with some cookies and waited. It took a while, but about 15 minutes later I was getting a whooping and regretting the beating I had instigated. I have to say I am not a big fan of the movement. Sometimes he jumps so hard it startles me, and then I jump. Don't get me wrong, it is very reassuring to feel him move, but I can't say I *like* how it feels.

We are also in the process of test driving names. We take them out for a spin for the day and see how they feel at the end. We had a girls name that we were absolutely 100% set on, but we just aren't there with any boy names. With the girl name, it was like we knew it the second we said it. So we are hoping if we keep searching the same will happen.... We do have one boy name that comes closest to being a winner, but our friends recently named their dog that:( Do you name your kid the same name as your friends dog? Are boys just harder to name?

Bathroom *should* be full tiled by this evening. We'll be picking up paint this afternoon:) Yeah!!! I post pics as soon as possible...

Unmistakable... (pg post + gender)

Another gushing pregnancy post. read at your own risk...

We had our scan first thing this morning. After 2 nights of insomnia and a fever for DH we finally had a good rest last night. We went out at dusk last night for a long, brisk walk in an attempt to wear ourselves out. It worked. Although I felt a little crampy and had some BH's when we got back.

We woke rested. Took bets on what we thought the sex was going to be while we sat at the old park in from of the Hospital. DH called girl. I called boy. We both, not so secretly, hope for a girl... I figured it was a boy because anything pregnancy related tends to respond directly against my wishes.

I was right:) He is a boy!!! And all of his perfect little parts are in perfect order!! I can't believe my body is doing this. My big ol' failure of a body is succeeding at making a perfectly sized, so far, 12 ounce squirt.

After the tech showed us the unmistakable evidence, I was surprized that I wasn't sad at all. In fact, I can't stop smiling. The tech left and we waited for the doctor. We smiled and talked about boy names. Our boy list is smaller than our girl list. DH's last name is very french... so we are thinking of going super snotty, high brow and choosing a french first name. But we won't be announcing a name till after the birth. Can't deal with too many people weighing in. And my family will surely dislike anything we choose.

A great thing about us having a boy is that the last two babies born into the family are boys. So we won't need for anything. And although my sister and I have more recently had a strained relationship - I know she has saved tons of stuff for us: clothes, toys, furinture, etc. And since we are poor, though not in the desperate sense, it feels really great to know that we'll have so much just given to us.

I have to say. For the first time I feel more excited than scared. It will probably only last the day... But I am gonna bask in it. Roll around in my own goopy, disgusting joy. I hope that I exude so much funk that my preggo vibe sticks to some of my dear friends in the 2 week wait. If that is you, girlfriend(s), I applaud you for reading this. Cuz it is pretty gross and pregnancy laden.

The proof is in the pudding. Here is me pointing to the little guys cute little parts. Yup, looks like a wiener to me:)

19 weeks pic

Goodbye toes!

Insomnia strikes...

It is a quarter till 1 and I am up researching cloth diapers in an attempt to distract myself. We went to a cloth diapering "how to" today which was really cool. It was packed with people. I think with the economy the way it is people are really looking for ways to cut cost.

We brought my mom (and dad) along because we are hoping to sew our own. My mom is a seamstress. I can certainly sew enough to handle a prefold or even a contour diaper. But putting a gusset on a diaper cover is a whole other story, so my mom's expertise here is a real asset. After seeing the demonstration I am wondering if we shouldn't just register for diapers and perhaps I will just sew the covers. We'll see. The hemp fabric that I like best, because it is soft and the most absorbent, seems hard to come by. I'll have to do some more extensive online fabric hunting.

Really, I am just trying to distract myself till I am tired. which at the moment seems very far way. It is really some family troubles that have me in non-sleep mode.

It was nice to see the folks today but they are under so much stress. For two years now my parents have been the primary caretakers for my sister's three children. For the last year, they actually lived in the house with them. My mother woke them and sent them off to school, had the baby all day, fed them dinner and did homework with them. My sister was really only around at bedtime. She could be home earlier, but usually choose to stay at school late to prepare her lesson plans - even though she could do them on the weekends while the kids are with their dad. But her weekends are reserved for her boyfriend - who currently appears to be more important than her kids.

Over the last year of my sister and the kids living with my folks, my sister has become very resentful of my mother in particular. She seems to blame my mother for her predicament, which I can not quite understand. My parents have never asked my sister for a dime. She pays no rent, no utilities and nothing for food or diapers. My folks even pay for the little guy to go to daycare 2-3 times a week because my mom needed a break. I pleaded with my mother months ago to ask my sister to step up, but she wouldn't do it. My sister does little to help around the house. She does not clean her own "area," the kids rooms or the spaces they share with my folks. My mother always feels like a jerk asking my sister to vacuum or clean her bathroom - but she asks because she needs the help. My mother has also asked that my sister and her boyfriend go to his house to "skack up"on the weekends while the kids are with their father. I don't really feel any of this is unreasonable, but it has forced my mother and sister into a relationship that resembles that of a teen and her mom, not an adult woman and her mom.

Add it all up and my sister seems to think my mother is the root of all evil. In a raging argument a month ago she decided to tell my mother she was moving out. My mother didn't even know she had the financial stability to do so. I am sure, in reality, she can't really afford it - she will run out of money and expect my parent to bail her out. She is moving to spite my folks. Since she broke the news my sister has been slowing pulling away from my mother. She rarely speaks to her, she won't eat dinner with them, she never even told my mother when she was moving, even though she asked my mother's best friend for help with the move. My parents are devestated, both because of the loss of the children and because of how nasty my sister is being. They are so sad to see the kids go, afraid because neither my sister nor her ex is particularly interested in parenting them. They are both, a tad unstable. Apparently a few months ago my sister admitted to my mother that she never wanted children!?!?!?! How exactly do you not really want kids and then have three?? I think my sister liked the idea of kids, the attention she was slathered with while pregnant and with a baby. But the idea wears off in the face of reality. It is all just so sad.

So, while it was nice to see my folks for the diaper gig and dinner, they were so on edge. They were snapping at one another and actually got in an argument at the restaurant. Thankfully, the place was loud anyhow and I don't think anyone noticed. I was mortified. This is not their typical behavior. I think they are just so stressed over the whole situation.

I used to be close to my sister. Now, we don't talk. We are cordial - enough so I can see the kids whenever I want. But I fear our relationship will deteriorate even further now that my sister is severing relations with my mom. My parents had big riffs with their siblings in their 20's and 30's and I always swore that would never happen to us.... But here we go. How do you just swallow it when watching someone go through life is like watching a perpetual train wreck? How do you maintain a relationship with a sister who is so terribly disrespectful to your mother who has been so incredible generous? How do keep a vital relationship with your nieces and nephews in the middle of this whirlwind?

Families are so damn complicated. Here is me and my folks (blurred) at the beach.

I cried wolf - Cervix update

Thankfully, my cervix is holding strong. In fact, my measurement this week was slightlly longer than 3 weeks ago at 3.78. I saw a new doctor as well, who has actually researched and written about MA's. He works at the practice I was hoping to leave, but now I am thinking to just stay, as long as I can continue to see him. He feels really confident that I will be ok. We'll discuss my next check after my anatomy scan next week.

How can you be so unprepared for something you pushed so hard for?

DH and I handle our finances by, well.... ignoring them. We have the average kind of debt: mortgage, student loans and a smidgen of credit card. But I would not say we are the kind of people who indulge in things we can not afford. We are pretty non-consumptive, mostly because of our political and environmental views. We keep the heat as low as we can tolerate and only run AC if the heat is intolerable. We have never had a new car, and the cars we do drive are always compact with low gas milage. I am not much for shopping. DH likes the occasional gadget (computers, i.Phone, stereo), but these purchases only happen every few years. I would say our one indulgence is eating out. I used to work in the restaurant business, so I have long been willing to pay for a nice meal and good service. We also live in a restaurant town...

In the face of some much needed and never ending home renovations, we sat down this week and looked seriously at our finances, trying to work out a budget for the next year. DH took a pay cut about a year ago to take a MUCH more desirable position. He also cut back on freelancing. I make a pittance as an adjunct professor. The plan was always that I would adjunct a few years then start applying for full time jobs. A kid would happen sometime in between. Looking at our income to spending ratio was frightening. Frankly, we are not sure how we have been living so carefree for so long. Story is: we are broke. And I am knocked up.

I think DH had a fantasy that I would be able to stay home for a semester after the roomie came. On one hand this looks great - a real luxury. But the truth is that it would be the spring semester that I would miss, leading into the likelihood that I would not have summer work. So the reality is that I would be out of work from December through August. That is just too long - both financially and mentally. On closer inspection our finances, we came to a sobering realization. I won't be able to take any time really. I will (hopefully) give birth near my due date and then have till the beginning of the spring semester to recuperate. This could be anywhere from 5-7 weeks. I am thinking that school would be willing to find a sub for me for an additional two weeks - getting from 7-9 weeks, which I think is more realistic. But what the hell do I know about childbirth and being a new mom? Nada!

The last part of the puzzle is avoiding the need for child care. DH and I are both in academia. We are aiming to stagger our schedules so that they are opposite - that way we can both do baby-duty while the other teaches. As logical as it is, it just sounds dreadful to me. But in the end, I am no princess. Plenty of people are forced to go back to work quickly after giving birth. And plenty of partners share childcare responsibilities to the detriment of their time together as a family. In the end, I suspect we are pretty fortunate to be able to work out such a deal. So I'll just live with it.

It is just so crazy that you get so wrapped up in trying to get and stay pregnant that you rarely think about the fact that the end game is a little baby that eats time and money. How did we miss that? Being oblivious is bliss! I wish we could stay that way forever!!!
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If you have a sec, pop in and drop some well wishes on my pal Jen. She is triggering this weekend to round out her IUI. Girlfriend needs some love!!
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Last, Sticking to the mantra of "Pictures make my blog better," I have posted below an old, old picture of me holding my darling niece just after her birth. It was when I was young enough to think.... dag, this baby is cute, but there is no way I ever want one of these things...

PICTURES MAKE MY BLOG BETTER

I love to see pictures of other people's business. So I decided to air more of mine here. Today, I reveal to you the level to which I am truly unprepared to have a kid. The room pictured below was meant to be a "studio" for DH and I when we bought the house. It has never been more than a hallway / closet / staging area for various construction projects. It is a mess. It is also supposed to be the room where the roomie will one day reside (gulp.) Sara inspired me to share when I spotted in the background of her lovely pictures a neatly ordered and finished home. Sometimes I can't believe how much craziness we have learned to tolerate in the renovation process.



Currently the room is stacked with beautiful, tiny, white, hexagonal tile and cement board - which by weeks end, may, or may not, be adhered to my bathroom floor - which is currently plywood. Once the bathroom is "done" we will refinished the floors in this room, and enclose it, creating a hall from the stairs to the bathroom - and a room for the roomie. DH thinks this will done before fall. That is laughable - especially since he will be in India for most of August..... We are so screwed.



Above is a rendering, although crude, to help you visualize our plans. Some day, I may have a picture of this room - fer real. But instead, I suspect the roomie will be rooming with us till the dust settles. Perhaps sleeping in a laundry basket beside the bed. Arg. Cash-poor. Old houses. The damn American Dream. Will our house ever be done??? Probably right before we sell it to move to the next dump.

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OB appointment was great. She spent a lot of time with me, listening to my concern about the douche-bag Peri. She said she could refer me to another practice here in town. I like my OB - the Peri is the problem. So DH and I are tossing around staying here and not moving to the suburban practice as I had thought. I just keep thinking of all of the driving. And if we ever did have an emergency, getting all the way there could be hard. I don't know what to do.

How is it I live in the 5th largest city in the country (well 6th this year thanks to Phoenix) and seem so hard up to find the care I want?

Last, it seems the Ute is over-achieving. It is cresting nearly a finger-width above my belly-button. OB says most times it does not even reach the belly-button till 20 weeks. Big ol' Ute! Yer so crazy!

A striking resemblance

Yesterday I made a potato salad and came across this:


It looks as though it is a cast of the former inside of my Ute.
It is a septate potato. And I ate it.

Off to see the OB that I am about to dump... I think. I am going to talk with her about the crappy Peri and see if they can send me elsewhere. I like the OB. I can at least give her the chance to explain the situation. I am still a little nervous about having to go to the burbs for appointments - not to mention driving there while in labor. It should only take a half hour. Could be longer if traffic is bad.

A little overachieving.

This a a very "pregnancied-out" post. So if you need to take a pass, dat's cool.

So my underachieving Ute has decided to move ahead of the game. I am not sure if this makes it an overachiever as it tries to be like the big guys, or if doing all this too early makes it an underachiever... Who knows. But here is the deal...

About a week ago I noticed a strange tightening sensation in my abdomen. It seemed to go away pretty quickly and was not painful so I just let it go. I meant to ask the nurse practitioner about it over the phone, but got distracted on another topic.

So yesterday I am lounging on the couch - reclined on my back. I feel the tightening again and look down to see my abdomen swollen, hard and kind of pointy. Ewww. Weird. When I stand, or even sit up, it goes nearly undetected, both visually and in terms of sensation. At this point I am pretty sure it is a Braxton Hicks contraction - but I don't want to get into a frenzy. So I tried to be better about drinking water.

Reading in bed last night, again - on my back, I get the same thing. Then again in bed this morning. I start wondering if this is all occurring too soon. I start scanning the books - BH are not really mentioned till the third trimester in any of them. I only have my pinky toe in the second trimester??? I try to call the doctor. Ummm, it is a holiday. So what do I do? Hit up the ladies on the MA boards, who naturally, provide me with excellent advise!!! Seems all is ok. Your ute actually starts having these as early as 6 weeks, you don't feel it. I will just make sure they do not become too frequent, not painful and I will drink more water since dehydration is a factor.

On the good, no great, side of my overly sensitive ute - I have been feeling movement for over a week now! I have been pretty sure all along that is what it was. I have even figured out when I am going to feel it (like after dinner) and what position to be in to feel it best. This morning DH had a really great show while we were just getting ready to get up. I can't believe the roomie can already make a kick strong enough for DH to feel. I had no clue this could happen this early!! He is so excited to be able to feel it. I think it makes it all more real for him.

Hope everyone has a great 4th weekend...

Procrastination + A pic from my past

I should be on my way to the beach, although it is not too late. We were supposed to drive down just for the day today, until a particular dilemma occurred. DH's sister is at the shore. We could spend the day with her, using her hosts bathrooms and eating lunch with them. But DH's Aunt and Uncle and many cousins from the midwest are at another nearby shore town.... Where do we go without offending someone? Not such a big issue for me, but enough of a pain to my DH that he prefers avoidance as his main tactic. His family tend to be very sensitive to the formality of things, and not seeing the midwesterners would be a faux pas. So today, instead of enjoying a lovely day in the sun, I will sit in from of my computer avoiding all of the work I need to have before I start teaching summer session on Tuesday.

I may just be the world's best procrastinator. I can put anything off, till the very last second, and still pull it out in the end. And not even with a frenzy, or with a low quality of work. I'd like to think that instead I have a distinct and keen understanding of the speed at which I work and that, really, I can plan, down to the second, the time I need to complete any task. I am pushing it though. I wrote the class over a month ago. One of the new assignments is not very well developed and I have decided to switch it up a bit. I need to create a few demo pieces to show the kids, write the assignments and make sure I have library access to get the DVD I need. Whatever... It will all come together:)

Aside from my procrastination skills, I have developed a new, and very unsavory trait, over the last year. I am significantly less motivated than I used to be. I know why. A year and a half of seeing an RE as a full time job is enough to pull the rug out from under anyone. And I think I thought getting pregnant would fix everything. I thought that my failing friendships would instantly recover, I thought I would dive back into my art practice and all of the volunteer work I used to do-- I thought when I finally got pregnant that I would pick up where I left off, and just begin again. But I never seem to start again. I still shy away from old friends. I avoid volunteer meeting because people will see that I am pregnant and I have not an ounce of creativity. I keep waiting for that burst of energy, the "nesting" reflex to kick in-- please god, don't tell me this was a lie too? I NEED that burst? I should have gotten my sewing machine out weeks ago. I should be crafting some new clothes for myself, sewing curtains, making cloth diapers (this may be a little premature but it is something to do... But I can't even get the machine off the shelf let alone get working.

I should add that the room that *could* be used for sewing is currently the staging area for our yet incomplete bathroom. It is currently full of drywall, cement board, tile, lumber and tools. Once the tile in done (hopefully in the next two weeks) that same room will get torn up again to refinish the floors, and then, build a room for the "yet to exist on its own child." So in reality, that room will be unavailable, well, forever. Our house is pretty small, so I am all out of real estate.

Problem is that there is a chance much of this work on the house will have to wait a while. The bathroom tile is a done deal. DH's parents have generously hired a contractor friend to complete the tile for us, and we are eternally grateful. We are looking into a home equity loan for windows and insulation - so the boring, but expensive stuff is on the burner a while. The last hold up is that DH is going to India for much of August. Being generally knocked up, I am very unsure of what kind of limitations to put on myself. I am a house-fixer-upper-guru (at least I would like to think). I love to skim coat, spackle, paint, refinish floors, drywall, etc, etc. I know the floors project is out for sure, but I don't know what things I can contribute to? Can I paint? What about the fumes? I need to do some priming - are those fumes worse than regular fumes? So I feel totally defanged, and also feel like I can not press DH about any projects because they are all on his back (ort financial well-being is mostly on him too because I make a pittance adjuncting.)

So what is a girl to do?
Bite the bullet, set up the sawhorses and sand the old french doors with a respiratory on?
Or just chill, give myself space and time to be pregnant (worry, recover, etc)?
Or drag DH off the couch and make him take me to the beach today anyhow!!!

A Pic From My Past


Here is me striking a pose at the same beach I should be at today (it is kind of a goofy, girly pose that makes me feel icky, but it was the only good beach photo I could find.) This is actually from my honeymoon - if you call hanging out at your grandmothers beach house a honeymoon... It was a honeymoon for the perpetually broke:)

I love digging through old photos... Umm, you guys should post some old photos too. Then we can all be nostalgic about when we had no idea we had screwed up parts:)