My OB is recommending that I not work. She thought we could see how I am doing at about 28 weeks and reexamine it then. Unfortunately, I work on contract from semester to semester, so there is no coming and going - no in-between. I either work the fall, or I wait to work again in the spring.
I am equally bummed and scared to death. I am still too shell shocked to call my poor boss, herself, having given birth to a baby girl a mere 4 days ago. She is scheduled to be out on maternity leave, some of which was my job to cover. Ugh. What a freaking mess. And my guilt over leaving her high and dry doesn't even chip the surface of my real concern. I have no freaking idea how we can possibly live off of my husband's salary alone. Because I work on contract, disability pay is, conveniently, out of my reach-- regardless of whether or not I have paid into it for the 2 years I have worked there. Higher Ed. is jacked up. Yet another reason why I need to stop adjuncting after the roomie arrives.
I keep thinking there must be some way for me to make extra cash. Freelancing web design, piece work, ph.one s.ex (that last one was a joke.) But I just don't see it happening. Then I think I can find ways to shave more off of our expenses. Problem is we already live really simply. The only luxury we did have was dining out and we cut that back months ago. The only other thing is the Net.flix and I don't think the extra $14 a month is really going to be the thing that makes us or breaks us. I have already decided if there is some freak heat wave, and there will be, I will be heading to my mom's for as long as needed to be in the A/C. At least that way we can not run the A/C here and save on electric. That is the best I can do. And not turn on the heat till November, and wear lots of wool sweaters..
Last, but not least, our savings has already been depleted by my lack of work this summer. So we have no cash to refinish the floors upstairs which is the first step toward building the roomie's room. I guess in the end it doesn't really mater if the roomie has a room. It just matters that he is here and healthy. We can deal with the rest later.
Ugh. This is all so depressing. I just thought, maybe, just maybe, I would be one of those people who has an easy pregnancy. I thought, so foolishly, that perhaps with all the drama over the last year and a half I would get an easy ride. No - Such - Luck.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
In the event of unflattering pictures...
Oh, just post em anyways. What the hell can I do? My body, as I knew it, is gone forever. It looks like I have developed some girth. 22 weeks, 6 days.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Continued modified bedrest
I had faculty meeting both monday and tuesday morning. To each of them I was able to drive, then sit and have productive discussions about work! Woooohoooo! Good news, my brain still works! And no contractions detected..
Yesterday morning I decided to push my new found freedom a little further and venture to the grocery store. I only stayed about 15 minutes after having 2 contractions while pushing the cart and picking out produce. Not good. I resigned myself to bed for the rest of the day. Contractions were light, 1-2 and hour. Although I did have one monster of a big one after attempting to sit up for a while. I also had a major loss of appetite yesterday and a return of my old friend nausea. I think I was probably nauseous from having balled half the day away. Yes, I am an emotional wreck.
I saw one of the OB's at my practice this morning and she was by far the best I have met with yet. I like the other OB's but this doc had a very appropriate response to my condition, one that was much more concerned. Her words, "We don't mess around at 22 weeks!" Manual exam showed a closed cervix and I go in next week to talk with my primary OB about a game plan for the following weeks if the contractions continue. This OB recommended staggering manual cervical checks with ultrasound lengths. She also wants me to continue on modified bedrest till we know more. I agree with the sounds of all this and was very happy to hear it. She seemed very, very aware of the relationship of Mullerian Anomalies to Incompetent Cervix and was honestly the first doc I have met who has been willing to confirm that FACT. I would love for her to be my primary OB, but she is about to go on maternity leave herself. Bummer.
She also indicated that there was real chance that i would have to give up teaching the fall semester. But that is something to be discussed and confirmed with my primary OB next week - although DH would already like to make the call and have me home. This has me pretty distraught. Aside from that fact that I actually really enjoy the work I do, we are not in a survivable position on one income. I can defer my student loans, which is a help, but that is just a small portion of what my salary covers. In the end, I know we will be ok, but I feel so defanged. I can't do the laundry, I can't vacuum, I can't cook dinner, I can't do a damn thing. I can't even add my pittance of a salary to the family pot. I am a useless, flabby incubator.
But today, I am still pregnant and one day closer to December 6th. I just wanna get this little boy good and cooked so I can have a lobotomy to remove the memory portion of my brain that is holding the last two years. I want out. I want to be me again. Well, a little different me - mommy me. But I am sure that me will be more fun that miscarriage/pregnancy me. She is a drag.
Yesterday morning I decided to push my new found freedom a little further and venture to the grocery store. I only stayed about 15 minutes after having 2 contractions while pushing the cart and picking out produce. Not good. I resigned myself to bed for the rest of the day. Contractions were light, 1-2 and hour. Although I did have one monster of a big one after attempting to sit up for a while. I also had a major loss of appetite yesterday and a return of my old friend nausea. I think I was probably nauseous from having balled half the day away. Yes, I am an emotional wreck.
I saw one of the OB's at my practice this morning and she was by far the best I have met with yet. I like the other OB's but this doc had a very appropriate response to my condition, one that was much more concerned. Her words, "We don't mess around at 22 weeks!" Manual exam showed a closed cervix and I go in next week to talk with my primary OB about a game plan for the following weeks if the contractions continue. This OB recommended staggering manual cervical checks with ultrasound lengths. She also wants me to continue on modified bedrest till we know more. I agree with the sounds of all this and was very happy to hear it. She seemed very, very aware of the relationship of Mullerian Anomalies to Incompetent Cervix and was honestly the first doc I have met who has been willing to confirm that FACT. I would love for her to be my primary OB, but she is about to go on maternity leave herself. Bummer.
She also indicated that there was real chance that i would have to give up teaching the fall semester. But that is something to be discussed and confirmed with my primary OB next week - although DH would already like to make the call and have me home. This has me pretty distraught. Aside from that fact that I actually really enjoy the work I do, we are not in a survivable position on one income. I can defer my student loans, which is a help, but that is just a small portion of what my salary covers. In the end, I know we will be ok, but I feel so defanged. I can't do the laundry, I can't vacuum, I can't cook dinner, I can't do a damn thing. I can't even add my pittance of a salary to the family pot. I am a useless, flabby incubator.
But today, I am still pregnant and one day closer to December 6th. I just wanna get this little boy good and cooked so I can have a lobotomy to remove the memory portion of my brain that is holding the last two years. I want out. I want to be me again. Well, a little different me - mommy me. But I am sure that me will be more fun that miscarriage/pregnancy me. She is a drag.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Mining for names
DH and I are really struggling with the name. We had the girl name totally pinned down, but man.... Boys names are so hard. And, of course, we are having a boy. We have months to go, but I have this vision of us looking at this baby and not knowing what to call him. I even envision bringing him home without a name. How stupid is that?
So here is a little about us that might help. We are both artists, so we lean toward the arty/unusual names, but don't want the name to be totally outragious. We love names from the era of our own grandparents 1920's - 1930's. DH's last name is very beautiful, very french, and often mispronounced. We have a few french names on the list. DH's last name also ends with a "Y" - which makes it sound wierd with first names that are short and end in "y." We also like some German names and are not very fond of Irish names.
Here are some names we have considered but tossed out for various reasons... But it gives an idea: Oscar, Emmitt, Simon, Marcel, Billy, Matthias, Ari, Nigel, Fernando (which you have to say with a very rolled and frisky "r."
No, G, Jerry is not an option:)
I am released from my week of "rest." Yesterday morning I went to a faculty meeting and have another this morning. I feel pretty good and did not have any unusual uterine stuff going on yesterday after my trip out into the world. I still get a little contracty at night, but I think that is just from being tired. So I am just trying to listen to my body's signals and rest throughout the day as I need it.
I have an OB appointment on Thursday. They'll check the cervix digitally - which by the way, more recently, makes me feel like a slab of meat. Never bothered me before, but the resident at triage was pretty rough with me - both with the spectulum and her hands. She was pushing so hard that my whole body way moving towrad the top of the exam table. Ugh. Then next week I go in for a cervical length through ultrasound. I have a feeling it is the last one of these they will write a script for since even "normal" pregnancies start to see shortening in the late 20's. We'll see. I just hope that the rest of this pregnancy is really uneventful.
A shout out to 2 friends. Sara, who is my due date twin, is having some bleeding and could use a little support. And the best news I have gotten in some time, Jenn is knocked up after her first IUI.
So here is a little about us that might help. We are both artists, so we lean toward the arty/unusual names, but don't want the name to be totally outragious. We love names from the era of our own grandparents 1920's - 1930's. DH's last name is very beautiful, very french, and often mispronounced. We have a few french names on the list. DH's last name also ends with a "Y" - which makes it sound wierd with first names that are short and end in "y." We also like some German names and are not very fond of Irish names.
Here are some names we have considered but tossed out for various reasons... But it gives an idea: Oscar, Emmitt, Simon, Marcel, Billy, Matthias, Ari, Nigel, Fernando (which you have to say with a very rolled and frisky "r."
No, G, Jerry is not an option:)
I am released from my week of "rest." Yesterday morning I went to a faculty meeting and have another this morning. I feel pretty good and did not have any unusual uterine stuff going on yesterday after my trip out into the world. I still get a little contracty at night, but I think that is just from being tired. So I am just trying to listen to my body's signals and rest throughout the day as I need it.
I have an OB appointment on Thursday. They'll check the cervix digitally - which by the way, more recently, makes me feel like a slab of meat. Never bothered me before, but the resident at triage was pretty rough with me - both with the spectulum and her hands. She was pushing so hard that my whole body way moving towrad the top of the exam table. Ugh. Then next week I go in for a cervical length through ultrasound. I have a feeling it is the last one of these they will write a script for since even "normal" pregnancies start to see shortening in the late 20's. We'll see. I just hope that the rest of this pregnancy is really uneventful.
A shout out to 2 friends. Sara, who is my due date twin, is having some bleeding and could use a little support. And the best news I have gotten in some time, Jenn is knocked up after her first IUI.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Living Horizontally
So I have survived a mere week horizontal. I am counting Sunday to Sunday since even before I went into triage I put myself down... I have to give props to all those ladies out there that find the strength to do this for months on end. You are better women than I! I only got a week! I am not sure what is worse, the boredom or the physical pain of lying down day in and day out. Anyhow, this was my view for the week. Knees blocking the sun through the front window. (I know I am supposed to be on my side! And usually I am. Rolling to my back for a few short minutes is always a treat.)
I decided last night after having had a good day that a walk around the block might be a good test run to see how misbehaven my Ute is gonna be. I only noticed a single contraction when I got home. Not too bad. My latest complaint is that my bladder seems to really only hold about a tablespoon of pee at this point. I feel the urge to go, run to the toilet and a little trickle comes out. It is not a UTI - those I am familiar with. This is just a plain old lack of capacity issue. I have been drinking a ton, so I am sure that worsens the situation. Plus, too much pee in the bladder seems to bug the Ute - so I am taking an "empty often" approach.
Today I have been reclined most of the morning with my laptop trying to work on some logo designs for a friends business. It feels good to be productive, but I am having a little trouble getting started. I noticed after lunch that I had a few contractions - more likely BH though because only the left side of the Ute decided to participate. These are the weirdest. I look like a lopsided freak.
Not much else to update. The start of the semester is closing in on me. Meeting start this week and I will need to start riffling through old lesson plans. My boss is being a superwoman. She has assured me that I can bail anytime I need - that I should not worry about my job and should take care of myself and the roomie. She's saying this while being only a week from her own due date. She rocks. So I feel good entering into the semester and hope to god I can work till the end. We need the income, but more importantly, I need the mental stimulation!!
I decided last night after having had a good day that a walk around the block might be a good test run to see how misbehaven my Ute is gonna be. I only noticed a single contraction when I got home. Not too bad. My latest complaint is that my bladder seems to really only hold about a tablespoon of pee at this point. I feel the urge to go, run to the toilet and a little trickle comes out. It is not a UTI - those I am familiar with. This is just a plain old lack of capacity issue. I have been drinking a ton, so I am sure that worsens the situation. Plus, too much pee in the bladder seems to bug the Ute - so I am taking an "empty often" approach.
Today I have been reclined most of the morning with my laptop trying to work on some logo designs for a friends business. It feels good to be productive, but I am having a little trouble getting started. I noticed after lunch that I had a few contractions - more likely BH though because only the left side of the Ute decided to participate. These are the weirdest. I look like a lopsided freak.
Not much else to update. The start of the semester is closing in on me. Meeting start this week and I will need to start riffling through old lesson plans. My boss is being a superwoman. She has assured me that I can bail anytime I need - that I should not worry about my job and should take care of myself and the roomie. She's saying this while being only a week from her own due date. She rocks. So I feel good entering into the semester and hope to god I can work till the end. We need the income, but more importantly, I need the mental stimulation!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Something new
When I eat something, it slowly finds its way back up till it is siting at the back of my throat. GERD! Yuck!
All freaked out
I thought I was doing ok yesterday. But now I am all freaked out. My OB basically just reiterated what the triage doc said: that the contractions are not producing a chance in the cervix so I should just say quiet for the rest of the week and see them for another manual check. I was able to twist her arm into writing me a script for another transvag ultrasound for a cervical length - but I need to call for the appointment - which means they may not see me for another week. If I get too freaked out, I am prepared to exaggerate my symptoms to go to triage again and then demand an ultrasound.
Their explanation on meds I find more satisfying. They only want to use meds as a last resort, as do I. So at least for that we agree. But I still think I need better monitoring...
I am already exhausted with laying down. Not to mention it is starting to give me a headache. I am reclining while typing - the position that I can feel the contractions most while in. I am just had 2 in about 20 minutes - though milder than Monday's episode.
My little fella is still jumping around real nice like. For those annoying moments of getting hassled by him, I am quite grateful. He was a little quiet this morning and I started to freak. Then he had a total spazz after I got out of the shower.
In general, I just don't feel great. My appetite is poor, I feel a little nausea, I feel mentally exhausted. I keep thinking I just want DH to take me to my mom's. That way, I would be near a different hospital and know that I would have lots of good meals and central air - and a mom to wait on me. Now that his trip to India has officially been canceled, I think he is feeling really down. Add to it the pregnancy problems and the fact that he has to pick up all of the slack around here: laundry, food, etc. - Ugh. I have one miserable husband. I love him to death, but when I am not well he gets really upset - understandably. But his upset usually manifests in anger and frustration. I don't want him to feel bad, so I downplay stuff or don't ask if I need something. Yes, we have our little disfunctions just like everyone:)
Just wanted to update. I am hanging in there, even though I feel like my head may explode at any moment.
Their explanation on meds I find more satisfying. They only want to use meds as a last resort, as do I. So at least for that we agree. But I still think I need better monitoring...
I am already exhausted with laying down. Not to mention it is starting to give me a headache. I am reclining while typing - the position that I can feel the contractions most while in. I am just had 2 in about 20 minutes - though milder than Monday's episode.
My little fella is still jumping around real nice like. For those annoying moments of getting hassled by him, I am quite grateful. He was a little quiet this morning and I started to freak. Then he had a total spazz after I got out of the shower.
In general, I just don't feel great. My appetite is poor, I feel a little nausea, I feel mentally exhausted. I keep thinking I just want DH to take me to my mom's. That way, I would be near a different hospital and know that I would have lots of good meals and central air - and a mom to wait on me. Now that his trip to India has officially been canceled, I think he is feeling really down. Add to it the pregnancy problems and the fact that he has to pick up all of the slack around here: laundry, food, etc. - Ugh. I have one miserable husband. I love him to death, but when I am not well he gets really upset - understandably. But his upset usually manifests in anger and frustration. I don't want him to feel bad, so I downplay stuff or don't ask if I need something. Yes, we have our little disfunctions just like everyone:)
Just wanted to update. I am hanging in there, even though I feel like my head may explode at any moment.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Fending off preterm labor
I spent the morning in prenatal triage due to a major uptick in contractions over the weekend (I am 21 weeks). They pumped me with fluids, which did nothing, except hydrate me. After using the bathroom, the monitor was picking up contractions nearly every 5 minutes. Seems I need only get up and they increase. They are painless, but uncomfortable. Having some mild cramping, though infrequently.
Two manual checks showed a closed cervix over 3 hours - even through all the contractions. They decided on "watch and wait." I am at home resting. They recommend another manual check in 1 week. No meds. I called to update my OB. They want me in tomorrow (i thought a week wait was stupid!) So I have to call out for my last week of summer session. Arg.
I guess there may be meds offered, but I feel hesitant. Some of these meds seem kinda nasty, some not even yet approved for use in pregnancy. I am feeling pretty confused. And scared too.
DH is at a meeting with the Dean right now to decide whether or not to travel to I.ndia on thursday. Between the terr.or.ist attacks and the preterm labor... I vote "no." But I am hesitant to hold him back. I have support if I need it. We'll see.
Two manual checks showed a closed cervix over 3 hours - even through all the contractions. They decided on "watch and wait." I am at home resting. They recommend another manual check in 1 week. No meds. I called to update my OB. They want me in tomorrow (i thought a week wait was stupid!) So I have to call out for my last week of summer session. Arg.
I guess there may be meds offered, but I feel hesitant. Some of these meds seem kinda nasty, some not even yet approved for use in pregnancy. I am feeling pretty confused. And scared too.
DH is at a meeting with the Dean right now to decide whether or not to travel to I.ndia on thursday. Between the terr.or.ist attacks and the preterm labor... I vote "no." But I am hesitant to hold him back. I have support if I need it. We'll see.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A very real fear sets in... UPDATE
I just got on-line and my home page (the N.Y.T.imes) pops up. Breaking coverage: 16 coordinated bombs are set off in an industrial city in India, killing 29 civilians. The same city my husband is setting off to in a mere 5 days. I am sitting here trying not to cry, and beg him to stay home. To top it off, he is taking 3 college students with him, each of which is watched over by a set of already anxious parents. He is emailing the Program Director, the Dean and his hosts in India right now.
I can not look at it logically. But this is obviously a very organized act of terr.or.ism. I would venture to say that a postponement is in order. I would think it similar to the attacks in M.adrid and L.ondon over the last few year. Let the dust settle... then go.
Thoughts?
________
It looks like the trip will be canceled. It would take some extraordinary parents to allow their college kids to travel to a city that had just been attacked by terr.or.ists. I feel relieved, though sad for DH who was really looking forward to this adventure.
I can not look at it logically. But this is obviously a very organized act of terr.or.ism. I would venture to say that a postponement is in order. I would think it similar to the attacks in M.adrid and L.ondon over the last few year. Let the dust settle... then go.
Thoughts?
________
It looks like the trip will be canceled. It would take some extraordinary parents to allow their college kids to travel to a city that had just been attacked by terr.or.ists. I feel relieved, though sad for DH who was really looking forward to this adventure.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Baby steps toward a finished house
We are on the 20 year plan.... In terms of our rehab. We have only been here for two and a half years, but have moved mountains to make this dump livable. When we moved in the "kitchen" was rotten to the core with termite damage, requiring us to enlist the help of a small, unpaid army to help us rebuild it in the dead of winter. That was the worst of it house-wide, but the remainder has been far from easy.
But it is the bathroom that has taken the longest. We gutted it early on. Lived with it like that for a year. Then we gutted some more, replaced all of the plumbing, laid a new sub-floor and lived with it again. Then we drywalled and installed cement board and lived with it again. In all this time, we have survived with only a toilet and tub (you can see from the pictures why no sink was better than the nasty one that was here). The new sink went in about 2 months ago. What a luxury.
We had big plans to tile on our own. It would have been the first time for either of us to do this kind of work. And although we are pretty handy, are best skills are in the demo and finishing departments: drywalling, plastering, caulking, painting and the like. Well, apparently our lack of tiling experience was keeping my father-in-law up at night, because without prompting, he came to the rescue. We were offered the services of tiling professional, at no cost to us. And this week, after enduring another round of dust and inconvenience, we now have a fully tiled bathroom!!!
It wouldn't be like us to finish the bathroom completely. We still need to cut down the doors and order and install trim. But this is a huge improvement to how we have been forced to bathe for the last two years.
Here are some "before" and "after" pics for your viewing pleasure.
______________
All is well on the roomie-front. I have been having some discomfort that feels a little like a belt strapped around my lower abdomen. But I am chalking it up to a combo of growth spurt and digestive slowdown. A newer development is that the roomie has changed his schedule drastically - either that or I am just getting that much more sensitive. I used to feel his activity more in the morning and at night. While he is still very busy at those times, I am getting a lot of movement throughout the day. It is, frankly, a bit worrisome. I am afraid I am growing a hyperactive spazzzzz. The kicks are getting stronger, more shocking to my belly, and more uncomfortable. I can only imagine it will get worse as he gets even stronger. Let's hope he is wimpy like his pops:)
DH leaves for India in 6 days and my anxiety level is starting to spike. I am a total baby about being alone, even if it does mean stretching out on our new queen sized bed. I hope the 18 days will fly on by. Before I know it, he will be home and we will both be scrambling to prepare for the fall semester.
But it is the bathroom that has taken the longest. We gutted it early on. Lived with it like that for a year. Then we gutted some more, replaced all of the plumbing, laid a new sub-floor and lived with it again. Then we drywalled and installed cement board and lived with it again. In all this time, we have survived with only a toilet and tub (you can see from the pictures why no sink was better than the nasty one that was here). The new sink went in about 2 months ago. What a luxury.
We had big plans to tile on our own. It would have been the first time for either of us to do this kind of work. And although we are pretty handy, are best skills are in the demo and finishing departments: drywalling, plastering, caulking, painting and the like. Well, apparently our lack of tiling experience was keeping my father-in-law up at night, because without prompting, he came to the rescue. We were offered the services of tiling professional, at no cost to us. And this week, after enduring another round of dust and inconvenience, we now have a fully tiled bathroom!!!
It wouldn't be like us to finish the bathroom completely. We still need to cut down the doors and order and install trim. But this is a huge improvement to how we have been forced to bathe for the last two years.
Here are some "before" and "after" pics for your viewing pleasure.
______________
All is well on the roomie-front. I have been having some discomfort that feels a little like a belt strapped around my lower abdomen. But I am chalking it up to a combo of growth spurt and digestive slowdown. A newer development is that the roomie has changed his schedule drastically - either that or I am just getting that much more sensitive. I used to feel his activity more in the morning and at night. While he is still very busy at those times, I am getting a lot of movement throughout the day. It is, frankly, a bit worrisome. I am afraid I am growing a hyperactive spazzzzz. The kicks are getting stronger, more shocking to my belly, and more uncomfortable. I can only imagine it will get worse as he gets even stronger. Let's hope he is wimpy like his pops:)
DH leaves for India in 6 days and my anxiety level is starting to spike. I am a total baby about being alone, even if it does mean stretching out on our new queen sized bed. I hope the 18 days will fly on by. Before I know it, he will be home and we will both be scrambling to prepare for the fall semester.
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