I went into the world!

To celebrate my 35 week milestone I got dressed and went with DH to our local coffee shop to have tea and a bagel. It felt really nice. The photo below is funny. I can still zip up my rattiest, most favorite sweatshirt... And I don't even look pregnant. I give up. People will think I stole this baby once he gets here!

While enjoying my tea, out in the world, I was reading the local weekly paper in which there was an article featuring my neighborhood. Articles about my hood are never glowing. There are some scary people who live here. And some great people too. Anyhow, basically it is about rac.ist folks in my hood, who despite their faulty thinking, are still voting Oba.ma. Paradoxical really. Read here..

What you are to me.

Feeling sappy, and thankful, and grateful for everything I have on this day. Despite having a hard week on the relationship-front, I have a rockin' husband who I love like crazy. I also have a Mom and MIL, each of whom would do anything for me to help me through this. I have a handful of fervent supports who I have never met, but who are my welcomed and daily distraction as I chit chat with them online and read their blogs. I also have a one really awesome real world friend who I can still relate to. Our situations with pregnancy have been very different, but difficult and stressful in their own ways. She is the one real world friend, through all of this, that I could talk to honestly, who I could tell anything, and I knew she would understand. This same friend, Susanna, has finally dove into the world of blogging. Her blog is about her experience with an emergency, life-threatening birth, a preemie in the NICU and her experience as a lesbian mom. Go check it out cuz she rocks my world: I find myself a mother

What I am most thankful for is that I appear to be 35 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. One that I suspect I will soon hold in my arms. I can't believe I have made it this far. The house is a flurry with scurrying mothers and husbands desperate to finish the baby's room. Its current state: sanded plaster, craft paper on the floor and no trim. But DH got an unexpected day off tomorrow with the world series parade going right past the entrance to his building. I knew I liked baseball for something. So I am hoping this weekend is productive, perhaps even enough to get colored paint on the walls. After that, the dresser can go in and we can weed through the piles and piles of beautiful hand-me-downs we have received. I will post pics as soon as there is something worth posting.

In the meantime a few things for the boy...

Some winter hats I knitted...




What he'll wear home from the hospital...


Diaper covers my mother is making...

The most excitement I have had in weeks

At my mom's for a few days.
Who knew I would get treated to this?
I love the cold.
I love the snow.
I am in heaven.
(Sorry World Series fans... Will they try to play in this tonight? Doubtful.)

Show and Tell - Oct. 26, 2008

On this same day last year, in the early morning, I was sharing a cup of coffee with a dear friend. It was a really windy morning, with the sun just coming up. We were in Montreal.

It was right after my second loss and right before my surgery to remove my septum. It was the last weekend I had where my mind was clear. I was beautifully distracted by the weekends activities, the company of friends and family, and the lure of a gorgeous city.

I hope I can get back there some day. To a place where I feel like myself again.

On the verge - physically and emotionally

I hope I am wrong. I hope I am such an amateur, that I am wrong. But every day, since Monday, I have a 2 hour run of contractions, usually in the early evening. Each day the run gets worse, stronger, and a new symptoms pile on. Backache, cramping, pressure. I can clock as many as 6 contractions an hour, but have learned that it tends to subside, so I have been riding it out. But I suspect that each of these 2 hours runs are productive for my cervix. Perhaps bringing me closer to labor.

Today I am contracting all day, with not a lot of breaks. Still not enough to call the doctor, with no Major pain, no leaking of fluid, no bleeding. But it has been all... freaking.... day...... I stopped writing them down an hour ago. Because I just need a break.

Minding contractions all day, coming nearly every 15 minutes, is draining. There is no space in your head for anything else. Today marks 10 official weeks on bedrest. 13 weeks if you include the three weeks I took myself down on couch arrest prior to finding good care. I am whooped. Over it. I spend half the day googling things like "34 week birth story" and "NICU 34 weeks" in some attempt to find clues as to what may be in store for us and the roomie if he comes early. I am scared of birth. I am scared of the NICU. I am a big freaking wuss.

I was making some gains last week: cutting back on my meds and spending more time sitting up. But now I have lost all of that. My dose is back up and my OB wants me back on my side as much as I can. He (OB) is on vacation next week. And if his life is anything like most people, a lot of his patients will deliver. I could be one.

I am fortunate for where I am.
I am at home.
I am still pregnant.
I can eat, shower, boss DH around and fuss online.
I can hang with my kitties, instead of an army of well meaning nurses.
I have it good, as far as bedrest hell goes.
But I am still pooped. So bored I could chew off my own arm. So scared I am like a deer in headlights.

I know my pal Sara is in a similar mental state and I feel for her. She is just tired. Frankly, she has it a lot worse. She has been down longer, with more intervention and has sacrificed so much more to grow her little "Spot." She is my hero because every time I get an email from her, or a text - she is shockingly upbeat. I didn't get the optimism gene - but she did.

Bedrest is exhausting. In fact, I am not sure about that name at all. Because, restful, it is not. And not one women, not me or Sara or anyone, should feel bad for having a day like today. A day when you just want to throw in the towel. Fortunately, my cervix knows nothing of the towel. I am just a slave to whatever it decided to do and when.

an ounce shy of 5, 7.5 cm shy of 10

First, one of my bestest virtual friends is being drug through the wringer. Let G at "Makes you stronger" know your thinking about her. And my "gestational twin," Sara is one the cusp of delivery. Wish her her luck!!

Had a scan yesterday. The roomie is 4 lbs 15 ounces- and ounce shy of 5 pounds. Cool. Except... The tech told us he has a big head. Who tells you that? Maybe he doesn't have a big head, but rather a small butt?

After a busy day, I got home and started contracting a lot. Off to triage we went. By the time we got there my contractions had slowed. I cried wolf. Digital exam showed I am now 2.5 cm dilated. Nurses seem to think I'll be back in 2 weeks to deliver. My OB does not recommend any interventions at this point. No Terb, No Mag. If I go into labor, I have the boy. I am scared shitless. I have no clue what I am doing, no clue how to recognize labor. Ummm, pain with my contractions, I suppose?? Or more than 6 an hour. Backache. Mucus plug. Water breaks?

And then, with all the excitement of yesterday I seemed to have brewed myself a good old fashion headache, that I can only hope does not decide to become a migraine. I have avoided them the whole pregnancy. Why start now?

Compounding the situation is that DH has a lot of extra meetings and appointments this week and I have less visitors than usual. My mom is usually here today, but needed to keep a dentist appointment that she has already waited over 6 months for - can't blame her. But I am, as a result, alone on a day that I am both a little freaked out and not feeling so tip-top.

Weekend work on the house was great, but not as much as we hoped for. Two new windows so our offspring does not get cold whilst he slumbers. Plastering is done, but not sanded. So my brother comes back next week to sand and hopefully paint.

Two weeks? Really? we are so not ready. Room not done, no furniture, no diapers, no boob pump.. Lots of clothes but nowhere to put them? Drat!

Well, on a bright note, my "condition" has had one very positive effect: It got me out of jury duty. Bedrest has to good for something other than cooking babies, no?

When oh so boring is oh so good

Just got home from the OB. Belly measuring a tad small, which comes as no big shock, but I did gain 5 pounds since my last visit! YEAH!!! I am scheduled for a growth scan on Monday just to make sure the roomie is keeping up with the pack.

Tomorrow marks the 33rd week mark. There is something about 33. In between 32 and 34, which somehow seems kind of dull. I am just so excited to get to 34.... I'd rather skip 33 completely.

My OB has asked me to just use my best judgment with by my dosage of Pro.card.ia and with my own movement about the house. I have been experiencing stronger side effects lately, so I am going to drop back to every 6 hours. But he told me to go ahead and bump it up if I feel the need. He also encouraged me to use my own judgment with things like sitting up in bed, moving about the house, etc. I have been a really hard*ss about bedrest - staying down on my side as much as possible. But I am starting to sit up more. We also got a little mini fridge for upstairs, so now I can get my own snacks and stuff. Those little bits of independence are doing my mental state well.

That is really all from my end. Wanted to give a little shout out to my "gestational twin" Sara. She hit another rough patch this week with an uptick in contractions and landed he butt in L&D. Things continue to be stable on the mag - but I am really hoping she catches a break from it soon. Go say hello and wish her well.

Show and Tell - Oct 12, 2008

It has been an especially trying few days. I am very short on patience, and have not been very kind to my care takers. DH is suffering from my bad attitude and I have been failing to show my mom the kind of gratitude she deserves for, well.... treating me like a princess. I know I am lucky, I am lucky for every day longer that I stay pregnant and for all of the support I have gotten from friends and family. But some days, the walls of my house just feel like they are closing in around me.

So this weeks show and tell is for something that arrived to me from far away from some dear friends: A care package full of yummy snacks, but even better, a handmade bib for the roomie that I LOVE! Thanks S + A! Love you!!!

The things you forget...

I'm having a rough week. Exhausted with bedrest and frustrated with having to rely on DH for everything. Surely he is also sick of having to attend to my every need. Under normal circumstances, the division of labor in our home is quite equal - so this is all new.

He reminded me how good I have it today by bringing part of our past back to life. It is a song we wrote and recorded to distribute at our wedding. It is the story of how we met. Two summers after we wrote the song,we dreamed about reviving our "band" while we were living in Berlin for 4 months. We named the band after our favorite German beer: Bergadler. It means mountain eagle.

Anyhow, you can listen to our one hit her on the my.space page he made: http://www.myspace.com/bergadler

I am off to my folks for a few days in an attempt to calm my nerves. The blue walls of my room are closing in around me. I am bored, and a little angry. It'll be nice to be at the farm, see my nieces and nephews and have my own person chef (mom.) She spoils me something terrible.

"You don't look that pregnant" Ummmmm, F off.

I swear, if one more person tells me how small I am, how petite I am, that they can't believe I am that far along, or that I don't look that pregnant, I am going to scream!

I am a person of average build. As for the women in my family, I am by far the biggest, so perceiving myself as small is impossible. I have had all kinds of trouble with this pregnancy. Bleeding, barfing to the point of dehydration, food aversions, shortened cervix, preterm labor since 20 weeks and YES!!!! trouble gaining wait. Fact is, bedrest is hard. And the last thing I want to do is lay in bed stuffing my pie-hole with high calorie junk food. I already feel like crap. All I really want to eat is things that are fresh and good for me - because I feel shitty enough. That is me, that is my body's reaction to this situation. I have tried every supplement offered. They all give me the runs - which I assure you will do nothing to help me gain more weight.

So there is is. Failure after failure, I finally get pregnant and get far enough along to have a live baby. And all people seem to want to do is remind me of my physical inadequacies by blathering on about how NOT pregnant I look. Well you know what you a-holes.... Freaking keep it to yourself. Fact is, people carry differently. The baby is right on target despite my shrinking bootie. And I don't have the benefit of gravity. I spend my whole day laying down, not walking, sitting at a desk or registering for a baby shower. There is little chance for the effects of gravity to help me along with the stretching. It just is what it is, and my body behaves as it pleases. Do you think I want to be this "tiny?"

Dang... Where did that come from?

All is well otherwise. I made it to my friends wedding on Saturday for a little over an hour and a half before the procardia dose started to make me jittery and short of breath - at which point we took off. It was such a joy to be able to go. I would have been so disappointed to have missed it all together. My girlfriend looked so freaking awesome.

The roomies room was built a few weeks ago, I have just been a slacker about taking pics. But I finally posted a bunch to my flickr, so I'll link em here. It still needs more spackle, trim, windows and paint - but it is there. So that is good.

End update. End rage. I am pregnant. Despite how I look to any number of dillholes. Not only that I am pushing 32 weeks. Whoot, whoot!!

Me at the wedding looking not THAT pregnant.

The roomie's room from the outside.


A video of the roomie freaking out. His new thing.

Show and Tell - Oct 5, 2008

I grew up in a house where using your hands was always very important. My father was an artist and my brother and I followed that path. My mother is an artist is her own right, as a seamstress and lover of all things fiber. She sews, knits, spins and raises sheep for her wool. So I thought I would share some of my handcrafts. I used to try to sell stuff, but I lack business skills. Plus, this work is very labor intensive and you can rarely make a good wage making it. I do it because I enjoy it.

Below:
Wool felted brooches, hand dyed with cool-aid. And a purse - I think I have a ton of these left in a shop somewhere, but I can't remember:)

Turning a corner, spinning the wheel.

Today, we made it to 31 weeks. It is that liminal space between milestone weeks of 30 and 32. As per the usual, I have my good days and bad - both emotionally and physically. Some days my contractions will seem relentless, not frequent enough to go to the doctor, but frequent enough that I can concentrate on nothing else. Other days they are light, perhaps only 2 an hour. On those days, I can relax, perhaps even get something done.

I saw my OB yesterday. We hardly know each other. He was the only doctor willing to pick me up mid pregnancy and high risk after I had to leave the incompetent practice I was seeing prior to hospitalization. For that act alone, he is kinda my hero. But he is casual and lax compared to my style. But he is also encouraging and really hopeful. He was so excited to see me come in this week unchanged from two weeks ago - and so please that I have made it this far. And although sometimes I wish he would recommend closer monitoring, I know we are doing everything we should right now. I also know that I will very much appreciate his style in the delivery room. He is the kind of person who can put you at ease with his very presence.

Flip.
Two nights ago my little friend seems to have finally got his little butt in gear and turned. Kicks that normally irritate my cervix now bop me near the ribs. The doctor confirmed that he though he had turned head down, although he still seems flexible to move around - so I am yet to be convinced he will stay put.

Spin.
I have a huge stack of handspun wool from my mother. Not only is it handspun, but it is from the sheep she and my dad keep on their little wacky farm. I have been starring at it for three days trying to find the motivation to start making an afghan for my very, very, very dear friends wedding present. She is getting married on Saturday and my doctor strongly encouraged me to attend - and to have a sip of wine! We are going to make an appearance at the reception - and I will stay as long as I feel safe. The real issue is figuring out what to wear, and possibly, how to shave my legs...