Thursday, October 23, 2008

On the verge - physically and emotionally

I hope I am wrong. I hope I am such an amateur, that I am wrong. But every day, since Monday, I have a 2 hour run of contractions, usually in the early evening. Each day the run gets worse, stronger, and a new symptoms pile on. Backache, cramping, pressure. I can clock as many as 6 contractions an hour, but have learned that it tends to subside, so I have been riding it out. But I suspect that each of these 2 hours runs are productive for my cervix. Perhaps bringing me closer to labor.

Today I am contracting all day, with not a lot of breaks. Still not enough to call the doctor, with no Major pain, no leaking of fluid, no bleeding. But it has been all... freaking.... day...... I stopped writing them down an hour ago. Because I just need a break.

Minding contractions all day, coming nearly every 15 minutes, is draining. There is no space in your head for anything else. Today marks 10 official weeks on bedrest. 13 weeks if you include the three weeks I took myself down on couch arrest prior to finding good care. I am whooped. Over it. I spend half the day googling things like "34 week birth story" and "NICU 34 weeks" in some attempt to find clues as to what may be in store for us and the roomie if he comes early. I am scared of birth. I am scared of the NICU. I am a big freaking wuss.

I was making some gains last week: cutting back on my meds and spending more time sitting up. But now I have lost all of that. My dose is back up and my OB wants me back on my side as much as I can. He (OB) is on vacation next week. And if his life is anything like most people, a lot of his patients will deliver. I could be one.

I am fortunate for where I am.
I am at home.
I am still pregnant.
I can eat, shower, boss DH around and fuss online.
I can hang with my kitties, instead of an army of well meaning nurses.
I have it good, as far as bedrest hell goes.
But I am still pooped. So bored I could chew off my own arm. So scared I am like a deer in headlights.

I know my pal Sara is in a similar mental state and I feel for her. She is just tired. Frankly, she has it a lot worse. She has been down longer, with more intervention and has sacrificed so much more to grow her little "Spot." She is my hero because every time I get an email from her, or a text - she is shockingly upbeat. I didn't get the optimism gene - but she did.

Bedrest is exhausting. In fact, I am not sure about that name at all. Because, restful, it is not. And not one women, not me or Sara or anyone, should feel bad for having a day like today. A day when you just want to throw in the towel. Fortunately, my cervix knows nothing of the towel. I am just a slave to whatever it decided to do and when.


Kim said...

Oh don't I know it. I was on modified bedrest for 3 months and I can't say I enjoyed much of it beyond the first two days.
I started having a lot more contractions a few weeks before my water broke.
The Bug was born 4 weeks early.

She spent 9 days in the NICU mainly for jaundice, which is pretty common in the near-term set, but was exacerbated by a blood type incompatibility that isn't possible in first babies and is rare in subsequent ones. She also had some trouble coordinating her suck-swallow-breathe thing. It was scary to see, but the NICU nurses and were amazing at helping us relax.
Lots of 34 week babies spend their time in a "special care" nursery for just a few days then go home.
I'm also a speech pathologist by trade and I don't see any difference in 3 year olds born at 33-34 weeks and those full term.

So that's a little glimpse that hopefully. I could write more but that near-term baby is grabbin wildly at the laptop.

heather moore said...

Bedrest does blow, doesn't it! I'm sorry you've been contracting all day. That rots! You have every right to feel the way you do. (((hugs))) friend.

May said...

Bedrest is horrible, in whatever flavor it comes. High intervention, low intervention, home, hospital... There's no point in comparing your pain to anyone else's since it's still pain. It's the loss of the normal pregnancy we always took for granted until life dictated otherwise. It's keeping your mouth shut everytime a well-meaning friend or relative says "it's a good thing you're getting that rest now since you sure won't be getting any once that baby comes!" And the worst, the very worst, is the fear that you won't notice soon enough that the contractions are closer together, or different, or it's-2 AM-do-I-really-need-to-wake-up-my-poor-OB-again-but-what-if-I-don't-and-THIS-IS-IT???

Exhausting. All of it. And I was more stressed out by home bedrest since the brunt of the monitoring is YOUR responsibility rather than the hospital staff's.

What you're missing by not being in the hospital is the complete lack of worry about you and your baby once you get past 34 weeks. You have such a great chance of having few or no complications whatsoever. And the delivery- I like to joke that I was in labor for "3 months and 2 pushes." Not a predelivery class to my credit and it was really quite easy. You're gonna do great. Hang in there.

Another Dreamer said...

I'll be thinking of you.

sacredandscarred said...

Bed torture? Held hostage by your uterus?

It sounds like it seriously sucks and I'm sorry you're stuck in it.

Cute kitties btw.

sara said...

Ahh and I even have our down days on the same day. We were separated at birth, it's official. There is no other explaination that makes sense to me :-) Hope today is a good one for both of us. And yes - thank you for reminding me it's okay to feel down here and there. I'm trying to distract myself today as much as possible. If I can't access blogger to post later - can I email you and update to do it for me? Lots of hugs to you and the kitties. They are adorable!!! Neela would love them.


CTagsGirl said...

So sorry your body isn't cooperating with you right've been such a trooper. In my opinion, it's ok to wallow every now and then...makes you even more thankful for the good days.

I *heart* your adorable kitties.

Meg said...

I feel you have been on bed rest forever so I can only imagine how you must be feeling M.

Hang in there roomie. You are NOT done cooking and this world is too big for you yet. Just hold on tight and stay warm for a few more weeks.

Hang in there.

jenn said...

Oh hon! I'm so sorry you are having some down days. I hope the roomie isn't deciding to make a break for it & stays in to cook just a little bit longer. If you need anything I am here. Hope you are having a good weekend. At least you know everyone else is inside this weekend too!

Martha said...

I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. I don't think you are a wuss, it's understandable to have fears of birth and NICU. So sorry for the boredom (which just gives room for the fears to grow) and sending you a long distance (Hug). Really adorable cats, btw.

nutmeg96 said...

I wonder if you're right about the cervix stuff. When's your next doctor's appointment? Hopefully they will tell you that's not the case.

It's hard to stay optimistic. I don't know how Sara does it. I have a tough time myself and I haven't even been doomed to bedrest at this point.

I'm glad your kitties are there to help keep up your spirits.

Anonymous said...

If you search online for "contraction timer" or something similar, they have programs where you can just hit the space bar every time you feel a contraction, and the program keeps the stats for you. Good luck and hang in there!

Me said...

I'm sorry this can't be easier... :(

nancy said...

Bedrest sucks. I was only on it for maybe 2 weeks - I don't see how you and sara can handle it. But you are doing so well and this will eventually all be a memory.

So just a few internet good wishes being sent your way.