Monday, September 22, 2008

When sanity eludes me.

I know.
I should thank my lucky stars.
I should bow down to the powers that be and express only gratitude to be who I am, where I am, and to still be pregnant.
But I am coming close to the edge, that line between sane me and bat-shit me.
Bedrest is hard.
It is harder than I ever thought it would be.
I am exhausted but not tired.
I am ready to run, but can't.
I try to talk about it, but no one seems to be able to get it. (except for Sara, my gestational twin)
It is a lonely place to be. A lot like miscarriage land, where everyone kind of looks at you like you have the plague.
The world is waiting for me to tip over. And somedays I get really close.

I am grateful for everyday I stay pregnant.
But that doesn't mean that i don't wonder what would happen if I got out of bed and enjoyed a walk in the fall air.
I am grateful that the roomie is growing stronger.
But that doesn't mean that I don't resent having to eat while laying down.
I am grateful that the meds are working well enough to keep the contractions under control.
But that doesn't mean that I don't feel robbed, yet again, of a "normal" and joyful experience with reproduction.

I know becoming a parent means sacrifice. I have always known that.
And I have always feared how much of me might be lost in the process.
I just never dreamed I would experience this so far in advance of even having a child.
It has been a year and a half of losses, surgeries, upsets, scares and even more bodily failures than I could ever imagine.
It has taken my spunk, my soul, my creativity, my intellectual capacity and more to survive.
I don't know what t is like to enjoy pregnancy.
I don't know what it is like to anticipate the birth of my son.
Instead, my energy is focused on keeping him in, not birthing him.
I am focused on staying pregnant, not being pregnant.

It has only been in the last week that I have allowed preparations to begin. Our families purchased a stroller and car seat. I registered for cloth diapers. We went through 3 huge bags of hand-me-downs from my nephew. And the room for the roomie is being built this weekend.

Those are all good things. But all I can focus on is the mental and physical anguish of laying here day after day. I have the capacity for nothing. I am tired of knitting. Tired of TV. Tired of counting contractions. Tired of eating in bed. Tired of dreading bedtime. Tired of asking for help. Tired of perpetual bedhead. Just tired.

8 weeks till 37.
I will make it as far as I can. Because the alternative, what would happen if I "gave up," is heart breaking. But I feel like I always read about these amazing women, who stay on bedrest for months and months. Where are their complaints? Why do I feel like I am the only one who is at the brink?

There are some bright spots:
1. Haircut... I am thankful to have this time to grow out my short hair. Might as well go through it while also having perpetual bedhead.

2. An expanding waistline. (Scar from bellybutton ring)

3. Fall - I love fall for the temperature, the smell, the light - but most of all for the apples.


Another Dreamer said...

I can't even imagine how hard being on bedrest that long must be. I had to do it one day with my miscarriage, and it was torture.

Hugs to you for going through this, can't wait for you to come out on the other end.

G said...

This blows, dont feel bad about feeling bad. One day, minute, hour, second, nanosecond at a time.


Bmarie99 said...

We have never met and yet I know what you feel.
I'm sitting on my couch today 7yrs in the land of the infertile and having had an IUI today. Knowing that I want nothing more then to have a baby, knowing that with my history the couch I'm sitting on today could very well be my friend for if I'm lucky the next 9months.
It is like being in a land of the three eyed monster, where people say at least you have eyes to see right?
We wouldnt' give up our babies for anything but it would have been nice to have a "normal" pregnancy/birth.
You are in my thoughts...

CTagsGirl said...

You've been in my thoughts a ton lately, M. I can't even begin to imagine what putting me on bed rest would entail...I think it would have to involve a restraining device of some sort. You are a freakin' trooper.

I love the pictures...your hair looks cute, bed head and all. I also love your Fiestaware bowl. I'm a big fan. :)

Just a mere 8 weeks. You CAN do this. I know you can.

heather moore said...

I can relate to all of your post about bedrest. I am on my 2nd pregnancy of 20 weeks of bedrest for both. Its hard. It sucks. I get pissed at all the pregnant women out there enjoying their pregnancies. If I never see another episode of TV, I'm cool with that! However, the end is SO worth it! My first son is 17m old and I'm due with my 2nd son on 12.30 (although they're taking him at 36w/37w). I'll do it again. I'll lay here for weeks because believe it or not you'll forget how much it sucked as soon as you're holding your little guy. :-) In fact, I remember telling my OB I'd take another 3 weeks of bedrest in exchange for no vaginal tears...those were worse than the 20w of bedrest the 1st time around. LOL. You can do it girl! Hang in there. The last part of bedrest FLEW by for me. Hopefully they'll lift some restrictions for you and you can do some things for yourself for a couple weeks before his arrival. I think all of us bedresters need a chat room to 'talk' thru the day. :) You're doing great!!!

Susan said...

Hi there! I came over from Sara's blog to lend some support. Bed rest is a b*tch. We truly were not meant to remain horizontal for weeks/months on end. The worst part being you can't even lay on your belly to change it up. I was on bed rest for about 2 months at the beginning of my pregnancy and the only thing that kept me sane was the wonderful company here in blog land. (and online shopping) I would order stuff (small stuff) so I had something to look forward to the coming week.

Keep your head up and remember that you are growing bones, lungs and brains for this child that will one day look you in the eyes with unlimited love.

Martha said...

Hello again from Sara's prodding, here to give you a (Hug), thank you for your eloquent post. Whew, you have been working so hard both mentally and physically. Nice haircut, adorable roomie belly, and ah, fall in the Northeast, Fabulous!

sara said...

Gee - you say things so much better than I ever could! I hope you don't mind - but yesterday instead of trying to put my thoughts into words I said just to look at your entry, LOL! This is so freakin honest, and I swear that those people who write books on bedrest should reference this post. Honestly - it's that "right on" it's amazing! I like your hair by the way - it doesn't look bed heady at all. And your belly is a beautiful one. I won't tell you to hang in there - because I'm sure you hear that all the time. But as always - I'm thinking of truly are my pregnant twin I swear. ((hugs))

jenn said...

I didn't get to comment yet on this, but your hair & your belly are both adorable by the way.

I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes, but I know that as much as this sucks it will all be worth it in the end. But it really does truly suck right now. I wish you could walk around the block with your cute belly & have the world ooh & aww over you. I wish you could wander the stores searching for the perfect coming home outfit for the Roomie. I wish you could enjoy every aspect of your pregnancy. And since you can't you have every right to bitch about it as much as you want or need to.

Anonymous said...

Where are their complaints? Maybe they just don't have the guts to be brutally honest. You can be extraordinarily grateful for what you do have (the roomie is still in) and hating what you have to go through to make it so, and for the normal you miss out on.

Not quite the same but I always looked at women who whinged about morning sickness and thought I would kill to be suffering like that in order to have a baby. But dude, when you are there it still really sucks, even though you're beyond grateful.

Would love to see your diaper registry and what you've chosen.

I have a belly ring scar as well, though mine was a few years old before pg, when did you take the ring out?

It's a pity we can't all take turns doing your bedrest for you so you could at least get a break.

You are getting closer and closer to term all the time. You've done your best to get there.

Anonymous said...

Just a lurker here, but wanted to let you know that you are absolutely spot on in your feelings and to reassure you that they will fade with time, and less time than you think! I was on bedrest for 20 weeks with my little guy and I remember feeling all those same things that you wrote, but it's funny how distant those thoughts are now (my son is 10 months) and have been for a while. I sometimes kind of forget that I was even on bedrest! Believe it or not, the same will happen for you. Lots of hugs to you- you're doing great!