Still catching up

Sarah and Scarred bellybutton both very kindly gave me a Pink Rose Award. I wanted to acknowledge how sweet it was and assure you both that I did not forget:) Thanks! I am on it - but probably not till tomorrow...

Updates and birthdates....

I have been off the map for a bit here. So I'll try to bring you all up to speed. In actuality, we have been traveling here and there. Which has been a lovely distraction. I finally became resigned to the fact that I am a spotter. And no spot was going to keep me tied to the couch forever. Well, some spots might, but not these.

I started, as I mentioned before, with a trip with my folks in their RV to Chin.coteague to deliver my non-biological, yet most beloved, grandmothers ashes. The ashes were spread on a farm htat her husband and she once owned in an attempt to fulfill their dream of being chicken farmers. Yes, chicken farmers. Don't ask. The trip was very meaningful, both to finally say goodbye, but as a chance to spend some quality time with my folks.

The following weekend DH and I traveled back to the great state of VA to visit our friends who live in the seat of the former Con.fed.er.acy (Richmond.) I really adore this town - despite its relationship to one of our country's saddest chapters in history. Every time I go there I leave with real estate fever. The houses are so amazingly beautiful, with their big porches and tall windows. Yet it is dense like the rest of the North east. We broke the news to our pals, who have been updated pretty regularly on the saga of the miscarriages and surgeries. It was lovely to see them, relax, eat and explore.

Finally, we went to NYC for a day and night to see some other friends and check out some art shows. The art was, as usual, pretty disappointing. It was neither intellectually or materially engaging - in fact most was just poorly crafted. We hung out in Central park, basking in the sun and perfect spring weather. We at tasty mexican food and stayed up late talking about our friends new love of making pottery and their upcoming wedding - which unfortunately we are too broke to attend. Another great adventure.

It has been nice to be away from Philly, from the house, from the known. Now, back to work. We need to buckle down on completing our bathroom - which means we have to learn how to tile:)
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Our 'friends' who I have mentioned often here on this blog had their daughter on Tuesday. I have not seen her since she was ten weeks pregnant, and don't speak with the guy anymore. My husband gets updates, but knows I am not so interested. We found out about the birth while we were in NYC and it felt like a dagger. How exactly is it that I can be jealous of people, and feel so distraught by their happiness, when I am pregnant? I guess in the end grief is grief and pain is pain - neither have a magic light switch to turn them on and off. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to see them, I don't want to call them and say congrats. The few interactions we had while they were aware of my "problems" come over me still like awful little flashbacks. I know they weren't trying to hurt me, but the things they said stay with me and haunt me. I decided today that some friendships can not survive everything. And this friendship did not survive the wrath of my Ute. There have been so many casualties, but I can't keep feeling guilty about it. I need to move on.

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As far as the pregnancy goes everything seems to be calming down. After a week of spotting, it has appeared to have stopped. I think for about three days now. My nausea is less constant, although some days are worse than others. My mother kindly took me shopping and I bought a bunch of dresses. Jeans, which is my usual uniform, are just plain uncomfortable. My belly is certainly protruding - although especially grande at night when the bloat sets in. I have my genetic counseling appointment on Monday, which I think includes the NT scan. So I should be getting another look at the roomie - who is also affectionately called "frog legs" - much to my husbands disapproval.

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Last, tomorrow, May 31 marks thirty-three years since the day I was born. It also marks one year to the date on my first 'known' miscarriage. In a way, my birthday has been ruined forever. I was never much for birthdays in the first place, but now it will always be marked with a bit of sadness. Good news is that tomorrow will put me one day shy of 13 weeks. No one seems to be able to decided when the second trimester begins - but for the sake of celebrations and happy milestones, I am going to let the roomie start the second trimester on Sunday. Perhaps we can both be re-born that day and bath in our new found calmness.

Belly pic - 11w3d

Sara posted a belly pic, and I have to be just like her, so I made one too. In cased you missed it DH is pointing out my belly flab. Seems that little lump below my bellybutton it migrating up and out:) It was always kind of cute and dainty, but it is getting a little out of hand.

Just in time - Jen tagged me.

Luck for you, Jen tagged me. (I have never been tagged before... I feel so flattered...) I was preparing a diatribe on constipation and the assortment of failed remedies I have tired in the last 24 hours. So to spare you saga of the "poopy-pendulum" I instead have created a list 10 weird or random facts about me.

Sara, G at What makes you stronger, and Meg - tag!! Your turn to write your list of 10...


1. At the ripe age of 10 I had a subdural hematoma from a bike accident. (A blood clot under the skull) It required major surgery, but also required me to be bald upon entrance to the fourth grade. On the first day of class my teacher mistook me for a little boy and asked me to remove my hat - revealing a big, gnarly scar. I was told to put my cap back on.

2. I am fluent in only one other language: pig latin.

3. My first car in high school was a 1970 O.ldsmobile C.utlass C.onvertible. I was very popular with the headbangers and the techy kids on account of it. I drove muscle cars throughout my teen years.

4. It took me nearly 2 years to refer to DH as my boyfriend. Till then he was referred to as the "faux-beau."

5. My entire family still calls me "Dit-Dit" or "Dit" for short. My Dad's former secretary still calls me "baby dit." (My brother could not pronounce Meredith - so it got shortened.)

6. I have skim coated (plastered) nearly every wall in my house myself. I am a self-taught plaster master. I also love scrapping wallpaper and peeling skin after you get a sunburn (they seem kind of similar.)

7. I know how to spin and dye wool. Also knit.

8. I was arrested in an act of civil disobedience a little over a year ago.

9. I have an unrealistic fear of bears.

10. The fetus I am currently carrying appears to have frog legs.

All's well in Roomieville

My OB ordered an ultrasound this afternoon following my second bleeding episode in nearly a week. Although the tech had little to say, we did get to see the little fella/gal with his/her little froggie legs and big ol' blippy heart. I asked the tech if she could tell me anything about the location of the placenta, and although she was not specific, she said it was fine and not in a location that should cause bleeding or issues. So I guess the bleeding will remain a mystery.

I was scared to death to go in, but glad now that I did. Big sigh of relief.

So here is the thing. I am a pretty high strung lady. I have been wondering about renting a doppler. In one sense I envision it calming me to hear the HB. In another, I envision myself FREAKING OUT if I can not find it for some reason. Anybody else considering getting one of these things? I am leaning toward no.

My grandmother lived child-free

That doesn't sound right, but it is true. I was never close to either of my biological grandmothers. Instead I was blessed with a truly amazing woman who my mother be-friended during her college years. They attended home-ec classes together and became fast friends. She was considerably older than my mother, the same age as my bio grandparents.

We don't really know why she never had biological children. My mother said that she eluded to physical issues, but she also married late in life. She was in her forties by then, and in that era, fertility treatments did not exist.

But she adopted my mother like her own daughter, and me and my siblings like her own grandchildren. I had a tremendous love for her, and I miss her ever day of the last two year that she has been gone.

On Tuesday I left with my family for the Virginia coast to spread her ashes. It was a beautiful trip and and great way to remember her. My body even managed to behave the entire time so I could enjoy myself.

I wanted to write something more poetic, more meaningful about Jeanette. About how I respected her, and about how full her life was even with out bio children. I wanted to write about how I know she is part of the reason I think of myself as a strong woman. But my brain is mush, and I have moved back to worry territory. So perhaps another time.

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On the way home from Virginia I started having some cramps and twinges. I had been pretty constipated, so I chalked it up to that. The relaxation of finally being home got my bowels working, but has also started with the spotting again. This time, brown only. I am still having lots of twitches and twinges that I hesitate to call cramps, but I may call the doctor tomorrow if the spotting persists. The sensations are fast and sharp - not sustained like menstrual cramps. I would really just like to call me RE and see if she would give me a date with the dil.do-cam - but alas, I have graduated and must become accustomed to my new Dr.'s.

Everything is ok... for now

I had my first OB appointment. We discussed my sorted history and I told her all about the bad digestion and the bleeding. She seemed satisfied that the bleeding might have to do with what my RE saw on the ultrasound last week - some kind of little sack or hematoma near the site of the placenta. By this morning, it had all turned to brown - though now, after my exam, it is a little red again. I assume everything is a little irritated after being cranked open.

The exam was fine, cervix is closed. No ultrasound in office, though she did come in with a little doppler thing-ama-gig. She warned me that the heartbeat is sometimes hard to hear prior to 12 weeks, and that it may take a few minutes to find it. Basically, I should stay calm. The first 30 seconds were excruciating. Then we heard it. Despite my having consumed little but chicken broth and bread for over a week, the little bugger is still kicking.

Oh, and I lost 7 pounds. She said they won't get upset till it is between 10 & 15. I look like a limp rag. I feel like one too.

Thanks for all of your well wishes. xoxoxo ((((hugs)))

Update on Bright Red Blood

Spent the night with terrible diarrhea, followed by vomiting. What is up with that? I am beginning to wonder if I actually *have* something - a virus or whatnot. This is just getting silly. Out of fear of getting completely dehydrated again I have been taking my nausea meds every 6-7 hours. Feeling ok this morning. Was able to eat half a banana and some je.llo.

The bleeding (knock-on-wood) has turned into just a litle brown stuff when I go to the bathroom. I feel good about the slowdown. Although it did occur overnight while I was horizontal.

My new, borrowed mantra from the ever-wise Sarah, "One day at a time." Go give Sarah some love - she is spending the day trying to stop spotting too.

Bright Red Blood

I guess it wouldn't be me if the ute didn't do something stupid, like start evacuation proceedings. It's cosmic really. I ordered a book on pregnancy. I also told my mother I was pregnant who spread the news to my family like fire on a hot, dry day. So that is what I get. Embrace the pregnancy, even begin to believe this might happen... then and only then will I bleed like hell.

I started with straight up blood a few hours ago. I had not been feeling great, so I took an hour nap. Upon waking I headed to the bathroom, looked into the can and saw red. I actually gasped. It seems to have slowed down, only when I wipe and not enough to even touch a pad. And of course I am all out of panty-liners. I only have big-ol-miscarriage-pads.

AND, of course it is the weekend and I am between doctors. My RE released me a week ago and I am supposed to see my OB on monday. Perfect, fucking timing. Oh, and did I tell you my in-laws are coming for lunch tomorrow (mother's day) so we can tell them? I guess that announcement will be something like, "We were really pregnancy last week. This week is a little more questionable."

The on-call doctor gave me a few options. 1.) Emergency room - where over the span of eight hours I will have multiple cervical check, see several incompetent doctors and may be fortunate enough to have an ultrasound from a tech who will not look me in the eye let alone tell me if they see a heartbeat. A very desirable option. 2.) Wait and see if it lets up and keep my 8 am appointment with the OB on Monday morning.

We are going to try to make it to Monday, because I have been through the emergency room thing too many times already - and it is Saturday night. If everything is ok - then it will be ok Monday. There is no magic drug to make this stop. I just need to stay sane. And pray like hell to what ever it is that I kinda don't even know exists to make this all be ok.

Some advise from others on controlling nausea

I used to spend a lot of time reading and posting on the Mullerian Anomalies boards. I still keep up but don't posted so much anymore. But after this weeks barf-fest, I went seeking some advise, and as usual, got lots of great suggestions. I thought I would share some of the solutions to curb nausea here:

Gargling baking soda - neutralized acidic saliva
saltines
crystalized ginger
organic ginger ale
soft peppermint sticks
small, frequent meals
life savers
hard candy
Sour liquids like lemonade
cinnamon fire balls
crackers by the bedside for middle of the night
deep breathing exercises
sour hard candy
pickles

Medications:
Zofran (comes much recommended, can cause or worsen constipation)
Phernergan (what I am on, but causes drowseyness)

It has been a rough 5 days.

It started on friday with a migraine. The migraine slowly morphed into a nasty head cold, and then the head cold turned into and absolute wretchfest. I have done little but rest and barf for two days (notice I wrote "rest" not "sleep"). By yesterday afternoon I started with the diarrhea again and knew I was going to have to call someone in the morning. By 5 pm last night I could keep nothing in my body. It even rejected water. I gave up on running the the bathroom and kept a bowl next to the bed. DH kindly rinsed and re-deposited it for later usage.

So this morning my new OB, whom I have yet to meet, requested I go the the PETU at the hospital. I said, "what is the PETU?" She says, "Its like the emergency room for pregnant people." Cool. Sounds more like somewhere I would take my cat, but ok.

We got there at 10am this morning and were immediately given a bed. Not like in the regular emergency room where you wait forever then are forced to curl up in fetal position because the "bed" they give you is a gyno exam table. In fact, they even apologized for not being able to get me a private room. Seriously? Then they gave the a warm blanket (love.)

The nurses rocked. They were quick to pump me full of fluids and some meds to calm my stomach. I handle needles really well at this point - so IV's are cake. The woman sharing the room with me cried and cried (literally) that her IV was "pinching." What a wussy. She has obviously never been to an RE's where they treat you like little more than a pin cushion. I looked like a real hard*ass:)

But everything is ok. I had an abdominal ultrasound and the roomie looks fine. He/she was hard to see - looking very different and much smaller than on the c00ter-cam. I am all hydrated up and on clear liquids for the rest of the day. Tomorrows big adventure will be potatoes and dry toast....

Due to my illness, I have had little time to respond to anyones posts. But I am thinking about you all and still reading.

Oh, and I finally told my parents. Mostly because I could really use some mom-love right now. They are on their way down to the city with bland provisions. Since we told them, I think it is only fair to tell DH's folks. Mother's day is sunday - and it seems like a good day to spill the beans.

How is it that I have become such a coward?

I am just not the same person I was a year ago. Not to say that I was ever described as "bubbly," "outgoing," or even "social." But since this who turmoil began I am utterly introverted. I just want to be alone or with DH all of the time. Family is ok too. But the crew I used to run with, I just can not face them.

At the center of this is a couple that DH and I spent ALOT of time with. They bought their house in the hood the same time as us, DH plays in a band with her and the guy and I have worked together a lot on local activist and community issues.

We had our first loss and we did not tell them. I just started to withdraw. About 2 months later, I felt like I needed to tell them to explain my sudden absence from their life. I told the guy, because I am closer with he than her. His response was, "I am sorry and by the way we are trying too." Ugh.

For the next 2 months I watch her drinking habits wax and wain on the 2ww. The following month I was dropping off something at their house and noticed her b00bs were HUGE. I went home and told DH, "She is pregnant," and my suspicions were confirmed a few weeks later. I had just had a D&E for my second loss about 2 weeks prior.

I know they were scared to tell us - but insisted in doing it in person. I did ok with the announcement, but DH was pretty sad. Sad for us.

I saw them both a few times after the announcement, but felt really consumed with sadness. Her pregnancy was a few short weeks behind mine. It was hard not to see her and think, "that is where I would be right now if I had not lost another." So I just stopped. I stopped seeing both of them because I felt terrible around them. I felt terrible that their joy was something I could not just accept and give back. I felt ashamed that I was just so incapable of supporting them.

DH's band is playing this afternoon and they were there. I had already started with a migraine last night and by today it was nearly full force. I went with DH to drop off his drum kit. I even walked around and shopped a bit before the show. I went back while the first band was playing and saw the couple from a distance. They did not see me. I sat outside for a few minutes and tried to get up the nerve to face them. How to you say hello to someone who is 39 weeks pregnant and you have not seen her since week 10?

My head started to pound again. I couldn't do it. I left. I am such a f'ing coward. I am so ashamed of my behavior. But I am also so sad that they were so unequipped to support J. and I - because they were. I tried repeatedly to explain to them that hearing about there plans might be hard for us - but at every step they each made some hurtful comments. None of it was intensional, and to this day neither of them probably know that what they said hurt me. I am just so tired of this permeating my entire existence. You think I would be over it by now - but I am not. I am just so raw - and so sick of the fact that pregnancy loss is so terribly misunderstood.

And the most terrible part is that I don't even care anymore. I don't even care if we remain friends. I don't know how to get past this, past them - and their great fortune. I know they have plenty of support. They don't need me. And I don't need them. Can I just be done? Can I just not be friends with them? That would make me a pretty terrible person, right? Guess what else - I don't really care...

Graduation Day!!!

I made it. I have officially been released from my RE to my new OB - who I have yet to meet. I was shocked to see how changed the little skrimp was this week. So freaking big. He/she had little arm/leg nubs. My RE actually said, "there is your baby!" Inside I was thinking, "Is she talking to me, cuz that sounds really weird!"

I think we officially decided to upgrade the name from "skrimp" to "roomie" on account of it looking more like a human than an underwater creature from deep in the sea. Although, "human" in appearance is being pretty generous. I still think it looks more like a gummy bear.

My RE also discovered a little something, something in there with the roomie. There was a little "sac" of sorts. She indicated it could be a twin that failed to develop (gulp) or a something-or-other fluid-filled who-knows what. You can see I was really paying attention. It looks close to where the umbilical cord is attaching. She said not to worry about it. And I am determined not to. I am determined to begin accepting this pregnancy. I am also determined to learn how to have faith in my own body again.

Since I am finally allowing some indulgences, I stopped at the book store to look for my first pregnancy book. I couldn't find anything that I really liked - so I am hoping for some suggestions. I am interested in the week-by-week perspective of development. I am also interested in a pretty holistic approach to pregnancy - organic foods, chinese medicine and all that stuff. Not a junkie, but I lean that way. So if you have any great pregnancy books to recommend, please do!!

Thanks for all of your words on the vitamin fiasco. I actually made an executive decision to stop taking them all together and instead suppliment with folic acid. My RE said that was a good choice. So till I see the OB - I will stick to the regiment. And, not only has my nausea lightened up, but my bowels are getting it together too! I feel overall, much better than I did last week.

Here is the gummie... um, I mean roomie.