Friday, May 30, 2008

Updates and birthdates....

I have been off the map for a bit here. So I'll try to bring you all up to speed. In actuality, we have been traveling here and there. Which has been a lovely distraction. I finally became resigned to the fact that I am a spotter. And no spot was going to keep me tied to the couch forever. Well, some spots might, but not these.

I started, as I mentioned before, with a trip with my folks in their RV to Chin.coteague to deliver my non-biological, yet most beloved, grandmothers ashes. The ashes were spread on a farm htat her husband and she once owned in an attempt to fulfill their dream of being chicken farmers. Yes, chicken farmers. Don't ask. The trip was very meaningful, both to finally say goodbye, but as a chance to spend some quality time with my folks.

The following weekend DH and I traveled back to the great state of VA to visit our friends who live in the seat of the former (Richmond.) I really adore this town - despite its relationship to one of our country's saddest chapters in history. Every time I go there I leave with real estate fever. The houses are so amazingly beautiful, with their big porches and tall windows. Yet it is dense like the rest of the North east. We broke the news to our pals, who have been updated pretty regularly on the saga of the miscarriages and surgeries. It was lovely to see them, relax, eat and explore.

Finally, we went to NYC for a day and night to see some other friends and check out some art shows. The art was, as usual, pretty disappointing. It was neither intellectually or materially engaging - in fact most was just poorly crafted. We hung out in Central park, basking in the sun and perfect spring weather. We at tasty mexican food and stayed up late talking about our friends new love of making pottery and their upcoming wedding - which unfortunately we are too broke to attend. Another great adventure.

It has been nice to be away from Philly, from the house, from the known. Now, back to work. We need to buckle down on completing our bathroom - which means we have to learn how to tile:)

Our 'friends' who I have mentioned often here on this blog had their daughter on Tuesday. I have not seen her since she was ten weeks pregnant, and don't speak with the guy anymore. My husband gets updates, but knows I am not so interested. We found out about the birth while we were in NYC and it felt like a dagger. How exactly is it that I can be jealous of people, and feel so distraught by their happiness, when I am pregnant? I guess in the end grief is grief and pain is pain - neither have a magic light switch to turn them on and off. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to see them, I don't want to call them and say congrats. The few interactions we had while they were aware of my "problems" come over me still like awful little flashbacks. I know they weren't trying to hurt me, but the things they said stay with me and haunt me. I decided today that some friendships can not survive everything. And this friendship did not survive the wrath of my Ute. There have been so many casualties, but I can't keep feeling guilty about it. I need to move on.


As far as the pregnancy goes everything seems to be calming down. After a week of spotting, it has appeared to have stopped. I think for about three days now. My nausea is less constant, although some days are worse than others. My mother kindly took me shopping and I bought a bunch of dresses. Jeans, which is my usual uniform, are just plain uncomfortable. My belly is certainly protruding - although especially grande at night when the bloat sets in. I have my genetic counseling appointment on Monday, which I think includes the NT scan. So I should be getting another look at the roomie - who is also affectionately called "frog legs" - much to my husbands disapproval.


Last, tomorrow, May 31 marks thirty-three years since the day I was born. It also marks one year to the date on my first 'known' miscarriage. In a way, my birthday has been ruined forever. I was never much for birthdays in the first place, but now it will always be marked with a bit of sadness. Good news is that tomorrow will put me one day shy of 13 weeks. No one seems to be able to decided when the second trimester begins - but for the sake of celebrations and happy milestones, I am going to let the roomie start the second trimester on Sunday. Perhaps we can both be re-born that day and bath in our new found calmness.


jenn said...

How lovely to get out of the city for some little trips! My sister & her hubby, & my parents- all live in Richmond- I agree with the real estate fever- but if you like the pace of philadelphia- you would probably hate richmond! Time seems to slow down there!

Happy birthday! It's officially the 31st- here's to you & the Roomie changing the sadness of this day into one of utter joy for you.
I'm glad things are going well & the spotting seems to have stopped- I know it will be nice to see the roomie at your scan though- frog legs- cute!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you had a good trip away.

I hereby give you express permission to release all guilt from staying away from the "friends".

I hope you have a good birthday, without too much sadness.

The pain of IF doesn't go away just because you're pg. Yet everyone else seems to expect it to just evaporate.

KatieM said...

I'm glad you've had the distractions sounded lovely. DH is from Richmond and we visit there every now and then since we live about 3 hours out (oh and Jenn, it's so funny to hear you say Richmond is "slow" because compared to my town....Richmond is definitely a super busy city, lol).

No worries about feeling guilty about seeing the "friends"...I would do the same thing!

And last but not least....Happy Birthday!!!! =)

sara said...

I think that day sounds like a great day for some rebirth and second trimester. Happy belate birthday. I'm glad you had a nice trip away. Somethings never leave us. We may change a little and grow a little, but they always stay with us.