Saturday, May 3, 2008

How is it that I have become such a coward?

I am just not the same person I was a year ago. Not to say that I was ever described as "bubbly," "outgoing," or even "social." But since this who turmoil began I am utterly introverted. I just want to be alone or with DH all of the time. Family is ok too. But the crew I used to run with, I just can not face them.

At the center of this is a couple that DH and I spent ALOT of time with. They bought their house in the hood the same time as us, DH plays in a band with her and the guy and I have worked together a lot on local activist and community issues.

We had our first loss and we did not tell them. I just started to withdraw. About 2 months later, I felt like I needed to tell them to explain my sudden absence from their life. I told the guy, because I am closer with he than her. His response was, "I am sorry and by the way we are trying too." Ugh.

For the next 2 months I watch her drinking habits wax and wain on the 2ww. The following month I was dropping off something at their house and noticed her b00bs were HUGE. I went home and told DH, "She is pregnant," and my suspicions were confirmed a few weeks later. I had just had a D&E for my second loss about 2 weeks prior.

I know they were scared to tell us - but insisted in doing it in person. I did ok with the announcement, but DH was pretty sad. Sad for us.

I saw them both a few times after the announcement, but felt really consumed with sadness. Her pregnancy was a few short weeks behind mine. It was hard not to see her and think, "that is where I would be right now if I had not lost another." So I just stopped. I stopped seeing both of them because I felt terrible around them. I felt terrible that their joy was something I could not just accept and give back. I felt ashamed that I was just so incapable of supporting them.

DH's band is playing this afternoon and they were there. I had already started with a migraine last night and by today it was nearly full force. I went with DH to drop off his drum kit. I even walked around and shopped a bit before the show. I went back while the first band was playing and saw the couple from a distance. They did not see me. I sat outside for a few minutes and tried to get up the nerve to face them. How to you say hello to someone who is 39 weeks pregnant and you have not seen her since week 10?

My head started to pound again. I couldn't do it. I left. I am such a f'ing coward. I am so ashamed of my behavior. But I am also so sad that they were so unequipped to support J. and I - because they were. I tried repeatedly to explain to them that hearing about there plans might be hard for us - but at every step they each made some hurtful comments. None of it was intensional, and to this day neither of them probably know that what they said hurt me. I am just so tired of this permeating my entire existence. You think I would be over it by now - but I am not. I am just so raw - and so sick of the fact that pregnancy loss is so terribly misunderstood.

And the most terrible part is that I don't even care anymore. I don't even care if we remain friends. I don't know how to get past this, past them - and their great fortune. I know they have plenty of support. They don't need me. And I don't need them. Can I just be done? Can I just not be friends with them? That would make me a pretty terrible person, right? Guess what else - I don't really care...


Anonymous said...

That isn't cowardly, it's just self-protection.

sara said...

It isn't cowardly as scarredbelly said - just neccessary for your survival. You have to consider yourself first, and friendships are a two way street. If the friendship is meant to last, it'll come around again - even if it's a year later. I wouldn't worry about it right now. Most important thing is for you to take care of yourself, the little one inside, and relationships with your close family like your hubby. All the rest with fall into place or get pushed aside. Sometimes we can't control which side of the line the relationship will fall on. You're not a coward, just really honest and perceptive.

G said...

As I have gotten older, I realize that I don't have to do things/see people/have friends, if I don't want to. Self preservation. Do what you need to preserve you sanity.

KatieM said...

I don't think you are a coward....I just think you have changed. TTCing can change people, m/c's can change people. In some ways you become better and others, you lose a piece of yourself you can never have back. Her news hit at an incredibly hard time, and the fact she hurt you with comments along the way has forced you to protect your heart, shield if from their story, their child, their advances, their company. Maybe one day this won't matter and you will be able to be friends again...maybe not. But either way, you did what was best for you at the time and that was the best you could have done.

jenn said...

I agree that you are not cowardly- but protectful. If you tried to explain & asked that they not make certain comments or talk about certain subjects because it was painful to you & they did it anyway, I don't see why you would continue to see them. In a way, no one gets IF or miscarraige pain because it's just so natural to talk about pregnancy & babies to everyone when you are expecting. But as much as I understand the inclination, a sensitivity to listen to what a friend has asked of you & be a little understanding is not out of order. If we can't be sensitive & understanding of our friend's hard times, we can't really call ourselves friends.
I hope you can find the bubbly person you once were again, but if not- that is okay too. I know that this past year & a half has change me forever, I just need to make my peace with that & try to be the best I can with what I am now. I may not ever get back to my perky optimism, but I can try to let some hope in & focus on the good.

btw- I go to pick up my herbs tomorrow, she thinks that my period being different & my temps appearing to be higher overall shows that it's working already. I've been trying very hard on the diet, but I had to cheat on sunday & have a mr. softy. That soft serve is just the greatest!

Anonymous said...

hey so i found a link to your blog from alicias....and i read your posts every now and again. and i want you to know that i relate big time. i had a miscarriage almost six (wow....i didnt realize it was that long ago) years ago when i was still a senior in high school. and honestly, until i got married and DH and i started trying, i was fine. But now it just sucks when we're trying to start our family, but we're stuck with infertility. some of our friends got married weeks after us, and got off the pill in november. Not trying, but not preventing either. Two months later she tells me that she's six weeks pregnant, and my world was turned upside down. and you know, i had a lot of guilt, but i was feeling the same way you are, not caring, not needing them, etc. and i still do. not that you probably intended this, but your post encouraged me. Because i've been feeling like i am the only woman in the world who has ever felt this way. but your words made me realize that I'm not the only one and that other women feel the real and excruciating pain i feel too. every day. anyway...i appreciate your authenticity and acceptance of your feelings. you're an amazing woman. sorry if its a weird thing to hear from someone you dont even know. but thought i'd put my piece in. Praying for you.